


Property of Boyfriend X

by wheresmywatson



Category: Original Work
Genre: Blood Play, Closeted Gay, Coming Out, Course Language, Depression, Drug Use, Gay Sex, M/M, Oral Sex, Relationship Abuse, Scars, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-05-27 15:54:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6290668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wheresmywatson/pseuds/wheresmywatson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An intimate encounter in a bathroom leads to way more than the closeted Ryan can handle. But this is just the beginning.</p><p>More tags will be added as the story progresses.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first attempt at writing this story was shit, so we're just going to pretend that never happened.
> 
> If everything goes according to plan, this re-write is going to be A THOUSAND times better than the original. And complete. Lmao.

 I know as soon as we step through the door that we shouldn't have come here. It's nothing more than a feeling, but it's overpowering and I have to fight not to turn and head right back outside immediately. As though she's sensed my inner turmoil, Rebecca grabs my hand tightly and begins pulling me down the hall, deeper into the house.

There are people tucked in every corner and music pumps from somewhere at the centre, reverberating through my head and chest. With every step I take, I meet the eyes of someone new and get the feeling they all know something I don't – something that should be obvious, judging by their sly grins.

I hold Rebecca's hand and follow her, swallowing down the anxiety that's bubbling in my chest. It feels like thick tar is blocking my airways and the walls are pressing down on me. I should have stayed home. I should have told Rebecca to go without me.

"Ry, it's okay," Rebecca says over her shoulder, giving my hand a gentle squeeze which somehow cuts through some of the anxiety and allows me to breathe again.

I stop looking at the people around us. The music that's playing isn't bad and I let it wash over me, thinking less about the beat which is competing with my heart and more about the sound and the words. I can't think of the name of the band, but I know I've heard it before and that small amount of familiarity comforts me enough to keep myself together for now.

We reach the kitchen and the noise level goes up significantly, buffeting us with the chatter of all the people gathered around and the clink of bottles passed from hand to hand. Rebecca keeps moving, her eyes fixed on someone in the far doorway. I'm surprised no one tries to stop us as we cross the room, pushing people out of our way as we go.

"Leo!" Rebecca shouts just as the boy who was leaning on the doorframe turns to leave. A stone settles in my stomach as he pauses to whisper something to his friend before turning to face us.

"You made it!" he says with a grin, spreading his arms wide.

"Give me the phone, jackass," Rebecca spits angrily, letting go of me to step into Leo's personal space and hold her hand out expectantly.

He looks down at her and chuckles, his eyebrows raised in amusement as he shrugs his shoulders. "What, _my_ phone?"

"You know what I'm talking about," Rebecca says. "Give me Ryan's phone."

"I don't have it," he says simply.

"Yes you do," she retorts. "You or one of your friends, anyway. Just give it back and then we'll go, okay?"

"Does he ever speak for himself?" Leo asks with a gesture to me, glancing back at his friend with a smirk before fixing his eyes once more on Rebecca. "Because if not, then maybe I'll get the wrong impression... that maybe he doesn't _want_ his phone back."

Now would be the perfect time to speak up and say something, to solidify Rebecca's demand by saying I do in fact want my phone back, but I just stand there with a lump in my throat and sweaty hands. Leo's eyes slide over to me and he smirks again, waiting.

"Don't be a dick, Leo," Rebecca snaps, drawing his attention back onto her. "What do you need it for, anyway?"

"Need it for? Nothing." He laughs. "Want it for? Oh, you'll see. I promise."

"Don't," I say, my voice coming out far softer than I'd hoped. "Leo, don't."

"Too late," Leo says with another shrug, his gaze shifting past us.

Rebecca turns around before I do and I hear her start to say something before stopping as she sees whatever it is Leo was looking at. I don't want to turn around, but I have to. I have to play into whatever Leo has set up. Besides, the sooner I do, the sooner it will all be over.

"Damn, Ryan!" comes the loud voice of one of Leo's friends. "You're one hell of a photographer."

Turning around, I'm just in time to see the person in question passing my phone to a group of eager students knocking their heads together in an effort to get a good look at what's on the screen.

I'm going to be sick.

"It can't be that bad," Rebecca whispers across to me. "What the hell do you have on there?"

"Oh, it's bad," Leo says from behind us. Laughing again, he pushes between us, shouting, "Gotta watch out for the queer boys like Ryan. He could've done this to any of you!"

Their heads turn, finding Leo and then finding me, and soon everyone is either looking at my phone or me. Leo's looking over his shoulder, a satisfied smile on his face as he watches mine pale.

I'm vaguely aware of Rebecca moving away from me and crossing the room. My phone is now in the hands of a boy from my grade who I don't know too well, a beer bottle dangling from his fingertips as he studies the screen intently.

I should have stayed home.

"You fag, Ryan," Leo is saying, his words cutting sharply through the fog of silence which has descended upon me. "Have you been watching us _all_ in the locker room?" He steps into my line of sight and lowers his voice. "Or just me?"

I stare at him for a moment before leaning around him to see Rebecca take the phone, but don't stick around to see what her reaction is to finding out what's on the screen. Pivoting on my heel and going straight out the far door, I ignore the teasing jibes Leo calls after me.

I have no idea where I'm going. Every time I turn a corner there are more people and they all look at me with the same knowing grins that make me think Leo must have shown them all beforehand and just staged that event in there for me.

They all know. Everyone. They know.

By sheer luck I find a bathroom and stumble inside, slamming the door shut behind me. I move to turn the lock only to discover there isn't one, and stare dumbly at the door handle for a few moments.

There's a ringing in my ears as I turn to the sink and turn the tap on, splashing water onto my face. The tips of my fingers are tingling. I know that I need to calm down and stop thinking, but I can't. No one was supposed to know. Rebecca was supposed to find out in a controlled environment that didn't paint me as a creep.

I never should have taken photos of Leo in the locker room.

Lifting my eyes to look in the mirror, I let out a shaky breath. I can feel tears pricking my eyes and I feel so overwhelmed that I just want to scream, but I don't want to draw any more attention to myself. I twist the tap off hard and squeeze my eyes shut, breathing deeply to try and calm myself down.

The door handle squeaks as someone turns it from the outside and I snap my eyes open instantly, crossing over as it starts to open and putting both hands against it to try and push it shut again. Another hand appears through the opening, fingers curling around the edge, and the weight of someone else's body heaves against it. I'm sent stumbling back into the room as the intruder steps in and shuts the door behind him.

I recognise him. It's the boy with the beer bottle who gave my phone to Rebecca. The bottle's gone now and there's a faint smell of smoke lingering around him.

"Get out!" I shout, clenching my hands into fists and fighting back the tears which are threatening to fall. "Just leave me alone!"

"Hey," he says softly, his voice disarmingly soothing. He walks forward until I'm backed up against the far wall and have nowhere to go. "It's okay. Everything's gonna be fine." He lifts a hand to my face and I flinch, making him stop with his fingers inches away from my cheek.

"What do you want?" I whisper, my eyes stinging as I refuse to close them for fear that a tear will escape.

He presses his fingers against my cheek and leans closer, his breath mingling with mine.

"There are better boys to stare at than Leo," he murmurs. "Boys who might even stare back at you."

And then he kisses me.

* * *

Rebecca is outside when I find her. She turns at the sound of the door opening, relief flooding her features as she sees me and rushes over with my phone still gripped tightly in her hand. I have the clarity of mind to be briefly thankful that she's managed to keep a hold of it this whole time.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asks angrily. "I looked everywhere for you!"

"It doesn't matter," I say with a shake of my head, glancing over my shoulder nervously. "Can we just go? Please?"

"Yeah. Yeah, c'mon," Rebecca says with a quick nod, grabbing my arm and practically dragging me across the lawn towards the street.

When I see the car idling at the curb and realise Rebecca called my older sister to come pick us up, I instantly drag my feet. This _cannot_ be happening. I can't deal with both of them right now! Rebecca is going to ask questions as soon as we're sitting down and then Jasmine is going to hear everything!

"Ry, come on," Rebecca urges me. "You said you wanted to get out of here, right? So let's go."

"Promise you won't say anything," I burst out quickly. "Promise!"

"I promise," Rebecca says. "Now get in the car."

I have no other options. We run over to the car and Rebecca pulls the door open, allowing me to clamber in before her. Once we're settled and have our seatbelts on, Jasmine pushes the accelerator and we make our way back home.

"Everything okay?" Jasmine asks, glancing at us in the rearview mirror.

"Yeah," Rebecca replies with a smile, handing my phone back to me. "Everything's fine."

Jasmine doesn't look convinced, but she lets it slide.

Unlocking my phone with the Dumbest Passcode Ever (1234), it opens instantly to the offending picture which had been passed around at the party. I know Rebecca's already seen it, so I don't bother trying to hide it from her and instead just stare.

After everything that's happened, I know he set me up, but at the time it had seemed like a perfect little coincidence. Leo, alone in the locker room wearing nothing but a towel. Taking a picture for myself had felt innocent enough as I peered around the doorframe and pressed the button on my phone, but now my face is hot and my skin prickly from guilt.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Rebecca asks quietly, interrupting my thoughts and prompting me to turn my phone off.

"You promised," I reply, keeping my eyes down.

She goes silent after letting out a sigh, and turns her head to look out the window as we drive. I still feel like I'm going to be sick, but it's not just because of the photo. Guilt isn't the only thing burning my skin.

When we arrive at my house, Rebecca comes with us as we go inside. She must have discussed it already with Jasmine, because my sister doesn't even blink as she unlocks the door and lets us file in past her.

My dad is in the living room with his laptop and looks up as we walk by.

"Home already? What happened to 'partying all night'?" he asks.

I can't speak. I go straight up the stairs to my room and close the door once Rebecca slips in behind me.

"You can't sleep in there, Rebecca," Jasmine calls out from where she's still climbing the stairs.

Rebecca and I look at each other and are frozen like that for a moment. I wish I knew what she was thinking, but I can't figure out whether it's pity or disgust on her face. My stomach churns and I chew on my bottom lip anxiously.

"That picture on your phone," Rebecca begins finally, after we've heard Jasmine's bedroom door close. "Wasn't the smartest thing you've ever done."

"I know," I croak.

"But the thing it implies," she continues, and the room spins for a second. "You could have told me. You know that, right? It doesn't change anything."

I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out, and before I can figure out what to do next Rebecca has stepped forward and pulled me into a firm hug. Her hair smells like coconut and I wrap my arms around her, suddenly trembling.

The tears I fought away earlier now spill down my cheeks and I make the most embarrassing sounds in my throat as I force myself to stay quiet. Rebecca keeps holding me, gently rocking, and I cling to her as if I'm about to lose her forever.

"You could have told me," Rebecca says again, and I'm surprised to hear thick emotion in her voice.

"Are you crying?" I ask, sniffing and using the end of my sleeve to wipe my eyes. She lets out a half laugh and I know I'm right. "Why are _you_ crying?" I ask, grinning despite the tears which are still leaking from my eyes.

"Because you are," she replies, as if that's reason enough.

"That's stupid."

She thumps me on the back and I laugh before pulling back to look at her face. Her eyes look damp but she doesn't have tear tracks like I do.

"Where did you run off to, anyway?" she asks suddenly. "I swear I thought I searched the whole house."

The room is suddenly too hot as I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing. I step away from her and shrug as I sit on the edge of my bed, pulling my sleeves over my hands. I feel dirty and wonder if she can see it on me.

"I just... hid out in the bathroom for a while," I say, settling for a half truth.

"Oh." Rebecca sits down beside me and stares at my poster of Fall Out Boy. After letting out a heavy sigh, she says, "Leo is such a jackass."

I can't argue with that, so I merely make a quiet sound of agreement in response. He may have the body of a greek god and the face of a model, but under the surface he doesn't care about anything or anyone but himself. I have to admit, I've watched him enough to know he even treats his friends like shit.

"Anyway," Rebecca says, turning to me. "You look exhausted, so I'll let you sleep. Are we still going to the movies tomorrow?"

"Hm? Oh, yeah. Sure."

"Great. Just make sure to wake up some time before midday, then..."

Rebecca jumps up before I can jab her in the side and leaves, probably going to Jasmine's room. My parents have a strict rule of no girls in my room overnight (and no boys in Jasmine's) which I'm sure they're going to regret one day when they realise it should have been the other way around.

As I kick my shoes off and grab my pyjama pants, I feel a smile making it's way onto my face. I was kissed today. For the first time. There are nervous butterflies in my stomach as I get ready for bed and wonder how long I'll have to wait for the next one.

The second I lie down and close my eyes, I lose myself in the events of earlier that night.

_My eyes were still closed as he broke the kiss. Maybe if I just stayed like this I could pretend it wasn't real and I didn't actually want it, but that thought had barely formed when I felt his hand slipping down from my face._

_He dragged his fingers down my heaving chest and I opened my eyes to find him staring at me. His blue eyes sent shivers down my spine and I gulped down air while I had the chance, unable to decide whether I should stay exactly where I was or make a run for it._

_His hand didn't stop. Tracking it's way down my stomach and then over the belt of my jeans, he slipped his fingers under the edge and began working it undone. In a panic of things moving too quickly I grabbed his wrist._

_"What are you-? I'm n- I'm not..."_

_"Shh..." he whispered, using his free hand to press a finger to my lips._

_I said nothing more, watching with wide eyes as he undid my belt and very slowly dragged the zip down. His eyes never left mine, an impish smile curving his lips. When he slipped his hand inside my briefs I let my head fall back against the wall and let out a breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding._

_"Keep quiet," he said to me, pressing his lips to my neck before sinking down onto his knees._

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to have the best internet connection for the next couple of weeks. This means 1) you might have to wait a bit for updates while I try to establish a connection again, but 2) I should have more time to write because I won't be distracted by tumblr!

I wake up to eyes the wrong shade of blue.

"It's almost eleven," Rebecca says, tugging at my covers. "Time to get up!"

Oh. Rebecca.

"I'm up," I lie, groaning and closing my eyes again.

"You said we were going to the movies today and I promised Emily and Mia that we'd meet up there," Rebecca says, sitting on the edge of my bed.

"What? Why?"

"Because they're my friends too," Rebecca points out. "I can't spend _all_ my time with _just_ you. People will start _wondering_..."

"They've never wondered before," I reply with a scowl as I sit up.

"Yeah, but... everyone at school is starting to... never mind." Rebecca stands up again and I notice that she's fully dressed already. "Just get ready to go, please? Unless you'd rather I go on my own."

With a melodramatic sigh, I push the covers back and stand up. "Fine! I'm moving. Give me ten minutes."

Rebecca moves over to the door and then pauses, looking back at me with a grin.

"What?" I ask suspiciously.

She shrugs. "I'm just proud of you, Ryan. Things are going to get better from now on, I'm sure of it."

Shutting the door behind her, she leaves me to ponder the future of having everyone know about me.

* * *

As we're approaching the cinema, Rebecca gets a strangely serious expression on her face and looks across at me.

"Ry, I think you should tell them."

The first thing that comes to my mind is my parents, and my heart practically claws itself out of my mouth in a panic.

"Emily and Mia," Rebecca goes on, and my heart sinks back down to the base of my throat. "I think it would be better if they heard it from you instead of finding out at school on Monday."

I don't say anything for a few steps, thinking about how that conversation would go down. Finally, I say, "I've... I've never told anyone before."

She grabs my hand and stops walking. "I know, but this is the perfect time to start. They like you, Ry, and there's no way they'd make fun of you."

"They like _you_ ," I correct her. "I'm just 'Rebecca's friend'."

"Just think about it, okay? I can even tell them for you if you like, just to make sure they don't find out from someone else. But today is your only chance before Monday."

I swallow nervously and nod to agree that I'll think about it. Satisfied, she lets go of my hand and starts walking again.

I'm about to follow her when a hand touches my arm from behind and I turn around to find myself face-to-face with the boy from last night.

"Hey," he says with a grin. "Who would've thought we'd run into each other here? Talk about fate."

My eyes keep switching between his eyes and mouth. I have no idea what to say. I didn't think I'd have to worry about seeing him again until Monday, and then I thought it would be pretty easy to avoid him amongst the crowds of students.

"Sorry, who are you?" Rebecca asks over my shoulder, and I inwardly groan. Why couldn't she have kept walking?

"I'll catch up, okay?" I say quickly, turning to Rebecca and pushing her roughly. "Go make sure your friends don't think we've stood them up."

Rebecca raises her eyebrows at me, glancing over at the boy again before giving me a knowing grin and nodding. "Alright, I'll see you in a bit."

She finally walks away and I let out a sigh of relief.

"It's Jason, by the way," the boy says to me. "We never really got to that last night, did we?"

"Have you told anyone?" I ask, the question bursting out before I can stop it.

He looks at me curiously before shaking his head. Then, with a gesture to where Rebecca had stood, he asks, "Is she your girlfriend?"

"What? No."

"Good," he replies, grinning again and taking a step closer. I step back automatically and he chuckles. "Are you doing anything tonight?"

"Um," I begin, feeling uncomfortably hot under his gaze. "No."

He steps forward again, this time grabbing my wrist so I can't back away. "Do you want to?"

"Wh- I don't... I'm not, um-"

"Relax," he says, interrupting my panicked ramble. "I'm having a couple of friends over, so it's not like we'd be... alone." His eyes lower to my mouth and then come back up. "Unless that's what you want."

"N-no." I shake my head and pull my arm out of his grip. "Look, I... I need to go join my friends. They'll be wondering what's taking so long."

"At least give me your phone number?" he calls as I walk away from him.

I don't reply, keeping my eyes fixed stubbornly ahead of me so that I'm not tempted to turn back and look at him again. I can't do this. I can't be... Sure, last night was pretty amazing, but I can't just... I can't deal with this right now.

When I catch up with Rebecca and her friends, Rebecca gives me a questioning smile but says nothing, and I trail behind them as we buy tickets, popcorn, then go sit down. None of them say anything to me, leaving me to sit in a daze as I think about Jason.

He must hate me now. That's the second time I've blown him off with a really bad excuse.

Just before the movie starts, someone sits down in the seat right next to me and reaches over to take a handful of my popcorn.

"Hey, what the fu-"

"Shh," Jason whispers across. "The movie's starting."

And then he just sits there, his eyes forward the whole time as I stare at the side of his face and try to figure out whether I'm more angry or excited by him being here.

* * *

Neither, as it turns out. By the time the movie finishes I'm not feeling angry _or_ excited, but rather nauseous at the knowledge that the boy who gave me a blowjob last night is sitting inches away from me. He hasn't even glanced at me once since he shushed me.

"That was so good, wasn't it?" Rebecca gushes from beside me, her two friends quickly agreeing and proceeding to talk about every amazing moment in the film that I barely watched.

Jason turns to look at me then – finally – and opens his mouth to say something. Though his eyes are still on me, the words are obviously addressed to the three girls who have stood up and are preparing to leave.

"Are any of you actually gonna talk to him, or can I steal him for the rest of the afternoon?"

Turning in surprise, the girls whisper together before Rebecca pipes up, "You can steal him! It's fine, we might just go shopping or something. Have fun Ry!"

They file out and I close my eyes, feeling humiliated. It's obvious Rebecca thinks something is going on between Jason and I, which I can't even deny, but I wish she would at least _try_ to be a little more subtle about it.

"What a bunch of dicks," Jason says once they're gone.

"Huh?" I ask, opening my eyes again and looking at him with a frown.

"Your friends," he continues. "It's like they didn't even _want_ to hang out with you."

"Oh," I say, glancing over my shoulder and then back at him. "I don't think that's... why they left."

"Why else would they leave you with someone you barely know, without even asking what _you_ want to do?" I hate to admit that he's got a point. "Anyway, now that we _are_ alone..." He grins at me as my face flares up. "I'm kidding. I'm not gonna jump you in an empty cinema."

"You're not?"

"Don't sound too disappointed."

"No! I- I didn't..."

Jason laughs and stands up, brushing some popcorn remains off his jeans. "You coming?"

"Where?" I ask.

"I dunno," he says with a shrug, reaching out for my hand to pull me up. He brushes the crumbs off my jeans too and my skin burns from the contact. "Let's just kill some time. It'll be fun, I promise."

This is not a good idea. I barely know him. But I follow him anyway.

He leads me outside and past many store fronts, his hands in his pockets and looking way more relaxed than I feel. I keep looking over at him but I'm not sure what I'm looking for.

After ten minutes of walking in silence, we leave the stores behind and reach an empty park. Jason leads me over to the swings and sits down on one of them, gesturing for me to take the other. Once we're both seated and rocking back and forth gently, he stares at me.

"So when did you realise you were gay?" he asks bluntly, and I instinctively check our surroundings for people that might have heard him but there's no one nearby. "I didn't know until my dad had one of his workmates over. I was about... eight? I had this set of action figures that I kept playing with. Anyway, this guy comes over and he was talking to my dad about a couple of 'queers' from the office, so I asked what they meant by queer, and my dad's friend said it was when a guy liked looking at other guys. And I thought about all the times I'd stared at my friend Luke, from school, and figured that must be queer."

He falls silent and stares across at a group of trees in the corner of the park, clearly lost in the memory.

Somehow emboldened by his openness, I clear my throat and speak. "I don't remember a specific moment, or anything, I just... I don't know." He turns to look at me, a kind interest in his eyes, and I give a small shrug. "I haven't exactly... I mean..." I look down at my knees – anything to get away from those striking blue eyes. "I've been trying to fight it, actually."

"I can tell," he says softly.

I don't look up at him because I can't, but I give my knees an awkward half smile.

"That was your first kiss, wasn't it?"

I swallow nervously and nod.

I hear him stand up and watch his feet as they move around to stand in front of me. My hands are sweaty against the metal chains of the swing and I look up just as he straddles my lap and covers my hands with his.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

He tilts his head to one side as he grins, lifting his shoulders in a half shrug. "Nothing," he says innocently. "Or maybe... kissing you, if you want."

My heart leaps into my throat and I watch as he wets his lips... but then does nothing. He doesn't lean towards me or look at my lips, he just sits there staring into my eyes and waiting. I have a feeling he wants me to make the first move, but he's going to be disappointed.

I want to kiss him. I do. I just can't.

"Is that a no?" he asks after a moment. "Or the inward battle?"

I blush and start to turn my head away but he grabs my chin with one hand and holds me in place. He's grinning again and I feel way too exposed.

"You know what one of my favourite things in the world is?" he whispers.

"What?" I ask, somehow finding just enough voice to do so.

He leans forward as though about to kiss me, stopping just as our lips brush, then slowly pulls back an inch. My head follows his without even thinking about it and then we _are_ kissing, his hand shifting to my neck and making me shiver.

I let go of the swing and am about to grab on to him when I hear a far off laugh which makes me panic, pushing him back. My head whips to the side and I watch as a woman walks by on the path surrounding the park, a child in her arms.

"I think that's enough excitement for one day, don't you?" Jason presses a chaste kiss to my cheek before standing up again.

"Sorry."

"Make it up to me by coming tonight," he says. "I'll text you the address."

It takes me a moment to remember what he's talking about. "Are you sure your friends won't mind me being there?" He pulls out his phone and passes it to me. I then slip my phone out of my back pocket and give it to him as well, before adding my number to his contacts list.

"Of course they won't," he says as he types his number into my phone. "I know how to pick awesome people."

I'm smiling before I can stop myself.

"Do you always kiss the new people you invite to hang out with you?" I joke.

"Yep," he says, handing my phone back and taking his from my hand.

I look at him with a frown, expecting to see a teasing smile on his face, but his face is neutral as he puts his phone back in his pocket and then looks down at me.

"Wait, seriously?" I ask. "You kiss everyone?"

"Oh come on, Ryan," he says with a roll of his eyes, grinning as he pulls me off the swing. "Don't be so gullible."

Feeling dumb and confused, I fall into step beside him as he starts walking towards the path.

"So... where are we going now?"

"Now?" Jason puts his hands behind his head as we walk, gazing up at the sky and looking carefree. I'm jealous of how comfortable he seems to be in his own skin. "I know a great ice cream place, if you're hungry."

"Ice cream?" I repeat. "You're kidding."

He stares at me, his arms falling to his sides. "Not an ice cream kinda guy?"

"What? No, I love ice cream. I just... wasn't expecting you to say that."

He shakes his head with a laugh and I smile, feeling a warmth spread inside my chest. I don't remember ever feeling anything like this before. No one has been able to make me feel so... happy before.

I'm actually happy.

"So, ice cream?" he asks.

"Yeah, sure," I reply, pulling my phone out of my pocket. "Just one second."

With someone like Jason beside me, I think I might actually be able to go to school on Monday with my head held high. The message I'm typing out on my phone right now is to Rebecca, giving her permission to tell Emily and Mia about me.

My fingers freeze up towards the end of the message and I bite my lower lip.

_I thought about it and figured you were right. So you can tell Em & Mia that I'm-_

It's just a word.

_-gay._

I hit send.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter~
> 
> I'm working on the next one at the moment but again my internet is not that great so I'm not sure when I'll be able to jump back on to post once it's written. Hopefully not too long! If you think I'm taking too long you should probably leave a comment telling me to hurry up ;P

"Favourite band?" I ask, scraping the last bit of chocolate ice cream from my cup and eating it.

"Fall Out Boy, definitely," Jason replies, already finished his ice cream.

"Are you serious?"

With a laugh, Jason leans back in his chair and holds up one hand as he begins to list off the things we have in common so far. "Let's see... Fall Out Boy, the colour red, night-time, chocolate ice cream, _boys_..." He winks and I shake my head with a smile. "What were the others, again?"

"Disapproving parents," I say.

"Ah, very true," Jason agrees. "Plus we're both allergic to fish and _love_ pizza. Damn, Ryan... we're practically soulmates."

I know he's exaggerating, but I still like the idea. Jason, my soulmate. We get on so well already, it's genuinely surprising to think we never spoke at school before. I could have had his friendship ages ago if I'd only known how awesome he was.

"Anyway," Jason says, grabbing my empty ice cream cup and stacking it on top of his. "Tell me more about this friend of yours. Rebecca, or something?"

"Oh, yeah," I say with a shrug. "We've known each other for as long as I can remember."

"That's weird, isn't it? Does that mean you don't know how you met?"

"It was through our parents, I think... They've been friends for ages, too."

Jason makes a face. "You don't think they're trying to play match-maker, do you?"

"I hope not!" I exclaim. "That would be like dating my sister, not to mention the fact that I don't even like... _you_ know."

"Girls," Jason says for me. "Yeah, that must make it awkward."

"Yeah..." I sigh and stare down at the table between us, studying a mark that looks like really old ice cream which has now become one with the wooden top. "Anyway, I don't think she's into me like that, either."

"Are you sure?" Jason asks, suddenly looking more serious than before. "I'm just saying, she hangs around you quite a bit considering she also has other female friends."

"That's because we're _best_ friends," I tell him.

"I believe you, I just think you should be careful. Does she know you're gay?"

I flinch at the word and scrape the table with my thumbnail. "She does."

"Good."

I look up at him, watching as he runs his fingers through his short brown hair, before the movement of the door opening catches my eyes and I look over to see the one thing I was _not_ prepared for today.

Leo. With two of his friends.

"Shit," I hiss, turning my head in an attempt to be hidden from his view.

Jason swivels in his seat to see what I was looking at while I try to remember if there's a back door to this place.

"Hey, Leo!"

My head whips around and I stare at Jason in disbelief. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Relax," he murmurs to me. "I'll handle it."

Leo and his friends see us and come over, Leo with a sickening grin on his face. I want the ground to swallow me up right now. Immediately. Even if it hurts.

"Well, well, well," Leo says, his grin becoming a definite sneer as he reaches our table and looms over us. "I didn't realise it was faggot hour."

Jason's chair shrieks against the floor as he pushes it back to stand up, leaning right into Leo's face.

"Are you wearing a new cologne?" he asks, his voice surprisingly calm given the way he stood up.

"What?" Leo asks.

"It's just that you smell so good," Jason continues. "I'm so hot for you, Leo. Will you have sex with me?"

"Ew, gross!" Leo stumbles over his feet as he moves backwards to get away from Jason.

"What, sex?" Jason asks. " _Oh_ , are you asexual? That's cool, I guess."

"Ace-what? No, sex with _you_ is gross."

"I wouldn't say that," Jason says thoughtfully, glancing down at me. "I'm pretty good, don't you think?"

I couldn't reply even if I wanted to. My head feels like it's going to explode from the pressure that's building and I can't form any coherent thoughts.

"That's disgusting," Leo says.

"Hey," Jason says softly, gesturing for Leo to come a bit closer – which he does _not_. "If you ever wanna know what it's like to get a blowjob from someone who knows what they're doing... give me a call."

Leo's face twists between rage, disgust, and disbelief. Finally, he bursts out, "Fag!" and storms back out of the store with his friends in tow.

Jason chuckles as he sits back down. "Like that's the worst thing anyone's ever called me," he mutters.

"Why did you do that?" I ask, my voice coming out scratchy.

"Because he's a jerk," Jason says with a shrug. "And I like to watch him squirm."

I shake my head, unsure if I'm proud of him or still too embarrassed to feel anything else. I don't know anyone else who could stand up to him like that, or maybe I just haven't been paying enough attention.

"You don't still like him, do you?" Jason asks suddenly.

"Leo?"

"Yeah."

"No! No, I don't." I'm lying my ass off. I definitely still like him. Not _like_ like him, I mean, he's a dick. But I still think he's hot. I can't exactly turn that off, can I? And unless Leo goes through some really unflattering surgery in the next couple of days, I'm pretty sure I'll still think he's hot then too.

"I thought I told you there were better people to look at than him," Jason says.

"Like you?" I grin.

"Maybe." He leans forward across the table and I copy the movement so we're staring at each other in the middle. "But if you look at me for too long you might kiss me again."

I hold my ground for a few moments before slowly sitting back. "Don't bet on it," I tease.

A strange looks come over Jason's face and he pulls his phone out, clearly searching for something before letting out a disappointed sigh and dropping his phone on the table. "You reminded me of a song I was thinking about earlier, but it's not on my phone and I can't remember what it's called."

"What was it about?" I ask. "Is it by a band I'd know?"

"Heard of Tigers Jaw?"

I shake my head.

"I have it on my laptop at home. I'd play it for you tonight, but Lawrence is coming over and he always insists on playing this weird reggae stuff." Jason spins his phone around on the table top as he thinks. "I dunno, the only other way is if you came over early so I could play it for you." He looks up abruptly, an excited glint in his eyes. "What if you came home with me? You don't need to meet up with Rebecca again, do you?"

"Oh," I say, thinking quickly for an excuse so I can turn down his offer. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that the idea of going home with him makes me _really_ nervous. But I can't think of anything to say. "I... guess not."

"Great!" Jason beams. "I can show you all my favourites."

"How many favourites songs have you got?"

"I don't know... I love music. I just keep finding more that are amazing. Don't you love that new song feeling? When you hear something for the first time and it's _so_ good that you just have to close your eyes and be." Jason closes his eyes, swaying gently to the music in his head. "That feeling is like a drug to me, so I keep searching for new songs."

"I know what you mean," I say, and he opens his eyes again. "When I first found Fall Out Boy every song felt like that."

He looks pleased that I understand him and tucks his phone back into his pocket. "Wanna hear this song I can't remember?"

I hesitate only briefly. "Yes."

Picking up the empty ice cream cups, he stands and gestures for me to follow him out.

* * *

I don't know what I expected his place to look like, but it wasn't this. My family isn't particularly rich or anything, but we're well enough off to afford a two-storey house. I've always been accustomed to the space this gave us, but Jason's place does _not_ have a lot of space.

It's a room on the third floor of an apartment block with no elevator. We climb the stairs and then head down the hallway to a door at the end, which Jason has to give a sharp shove when twisting the key to get it to open.

Stepping inside, I find myself faced with a cramped kitchen and living area. There's a fridge, some cupboards and a sink to the left, while an old couch and surprisingly large tv are over on the right. A single door is set into the back wall and this is what Jason walks towards now, pushing it open to reveal a small corridor which runs the length of the back wall and seems to serve no purpose whatsoever. There are three more doors off this corridor, and Jason heads to the one on the far left.

His bedroom. As soon as I enter I feel like I'm seeing the inside of his mind and I pause for a moment with a smile on my face as I look around at the countless posters on the walls, the mess on the floor, the stacks of papers on the desk beside his laptop and the disconnected game console crammed in a corner.

"You game much?" I ask, finally following him across to where he's clearing a space on his bed.

"Oh. No," Jason says with a shrug. "That thing broke years ago."

As I sit on the edge of his bed, he grabs his laptop from his desk and then joins me.

"Alright," he says with a sigh. "This song..."

His laptop opens to porn and I quickly avert my eyes, pretending I did _not_ just see what I saw. He doesn't say anything, but taps away at the keyboard until making a sound of triumph and suddenly the beginning of a song fills the air.

A guitar riff starts the song, going for about a minute before the singing starts up. It's softer than I expected, but I like it.

"What's it called?"

"Hum."

We don't speak again until the song is over, at which point Jason begins showing me lots of other songs and we find a bunch of other bands we both like – 30 Seconds To Mars, Adam Lambert, Breaking Benjamin, My Chemical Romance, Evanescence and others.

It feels like I only just got here when Jason swears and jumps up, tossing his laptop back on his desk and heading out of the room.

"What is it?" I ask quickly.

"The door," Jason explains, and only then do I hear the distant rapping sound. "The others must be here."

I stand up and nervously wipe my palms on my pants. I have no idea what to expect from his friends – are they all gay? no, that would be stupid – but for some reason I really want to impress them.

Walking after Jason, I watch as not just two, but _four_ people file in from outside. The room feels ten times smaller as we crowd the living area and I automatically move to Jason's side for safety. I'm not terribly good with new people and making friends. My chest is tight again and I wish I had an excuse to leave.

"Who's that?" asks one of the new guys, staring right at me.

"This," Jason says, putting an arm around my shoulders. "Is Ryan. We go to school together."

"Sick," says another.

"Cool, nice to meet you," says a boy with straightened black hair that covers one eye completely. The visible eye is thickly outlined in black and he's got snakebite piercings in his lower lip. "I'm Alex."

"Yeah, you- I mean, nice to meet you too," I say, feeling unbelievably stupid.

"That's Lawrence," Jason says, gesturing to the boy who has already settled himself on the couch with his phone. He's got a very round face and is built like a truck. No wonder Jason lets him play his reggae music all the time. "Tim," is the boy that asked who I was – he's also got eyeliner and straightened hair, but looks a bit like a knock-off of Alex since he has light brown hair and the straightening didn't go so well. "And that's Luke."

The boy who said 'sick' puts up a hand when his name is mentioned and I find myself staring at him in surprise. Luke. Could it be the Luke that Jason had a crush on when he was younger? I wouldn't blame him. Luke is pretty hot, with beachy blond hair and eyes that crinkle when he smiles.

I feel out of place. I need to get out of here.

Jason pulls me over to the couch before I can protest but sits beside Lawrence so that I don't have to – thank fuck. Perched on the end, I watch as the other three settle themselves easily on the floor and start talking, just as some reggae music predictably starts up on Lawrence's phone.

They go through a lot of small talk, discussing what they've been up to lately and ranting about annoying people they've had to deal with. Jason doesn't say a whole lot, but after a minute I realise we've grabbed hands somehow and I actually feel a bit calmer.

I glance across at him and he looks back at me, giving me a small grin before looking back at his friends.

This is way too fast and I'm acting like a fucking girl, but I think I'm in love with him.

"So, Ryan, was it?"

Wrenched out of my head, I look over to see Alex peering up at me curiously.

"Yeah?"

"When did you come out?"

"One day," Jason interrupts before I can answer, which is good because the only thing going through my head is _shit_ , "Your assumption that all people are gay is going to come back and bite you in the ass."

"I hope so," Alex retorts quickly, making everyone laugh.

"Anyway," Jason says once they settle. "He hasn't."

"What, come out?" Alex looks at me and mouths an 'o' as Jason nods. "Don't worry, it's not that bad. Once it happens, and it's all out, it's like... what the fuck was I worried about again? Oh yeah, and you have a couple less relatives to talk to but I dunno, I kinda found that relieving!"

I don't know if I'm supposed to say something or laugh, so I just awkwardly nod my head while giving a smile that I'm fairly certain doesn't look convincing at all.

"You're scaring him," Lawrence says, his eyes still on his phone. "It's not always like that when people come out."

"Remind us of your fairytale story again!" Alex pleads, batting his eyelids at Lawrence.

"I'm straight," Lawrence says with a frown, finally looking away from his phone to stare at Alex.

"Ah!" Alex wipes a fake tear from his eye and smudges some of his eyeliner in the process. "So touching! And your parents were okay with it!?"

"Very funny," Lawrence replies with a grin, throwing a cushion at Alex.

"Seriously, though," Alex says. "Hands up if you or someone you know came out to their parents and did _not_ have a bad time about it."

The lack of hands in the air right now is not helping my nerves at all.

"My point." Alex sighs. "I mean, not to scare you though," he says to me. "Maybe your parents will be cool with it. But chances are they'll freak out at first. Most people do because of the whole 'it's fine as long as it's not in my house' conditioning that they have."

"Don't worry," Jason says to me, giving my hand a subtle squeeze. "If you ever need a place to crash you can come here."

"What about your dad?" I ask.

"My dad can go fuck himself," Jason spits, sounding a lot angrier than I was expecting.

"Speaking of the Devil," Luke pipes up. "When does he get back tonight?"

"If he _doesn't_ fall down and die in a ditch," Jason begins. "He'll probably come in at three."

I'm surprised by the force behind Jason's words. My parents have always been great and loving, so I can't understand ever hating one of them. It's that fact which makes me so terrified of telling them the truth and risking disappointing them. But Jason... he actually _hates_ his father. And with no other family... I can barely comprehend how lonely that must be.

"Three..." Luke mutters, mentally calculating something before digging around in the bag he brought with him. "Plenty of time to party. Lawrence, turn that music up louder."

"You hate my music," Lawrence points out.

"Everyone hates your music," Luke replies. "But turn it up! We're not gonna care what it sounds like in a minute."

With a grin, Lawrence says no more but does as he's told and ups the volume on his phone. It's still not incredibly loud but no longer just a background noise. I don't understand what's going to happen to make us not care about the sound of it, though.

"One for me," Luke says, sticking something in his mouth and then passing a small sheet of something to Tim.

One by one, everyone around me puts something small on their tongue and then passes it on. I know what it is now, not the specific name or anything, but I'm not stupid. I know it's a drug. I am in a strange boy's house with his friends and they've got drugs. If my parents knew where I was and what I was doing right now, no matter how great they are, they would probably kill me.

Jason puts one on his tongue and turns to me. Instead of passing the rest over he takes a small square and holds it out.

"Open wide," he says.

"What is it?" I ask, my face burning in embarrassment as all his friends stare at me.

"Acid," Jason says. "You're going to feel better than you have _ever_ felt before, I promise you."

"I-I don't know..."

"Do you trust me?" he whispers, and it's somehow enough to make me fall silent and just nod.

Putting the second square on his tongue, he grabs the back of my head and kisses me hard.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obligatory note to inform you that I do not approve of all the things which will be written in this fic. Don't do drugs, kids. Let drugs do you. I'M KIDDING AH. Don't take drugs. Unless they've been prescribed to you by a doctor.
> 
> I'm digging a hole so I'm just gonna go ahead and jump right into that now.

I have never felt so good in my entire life. I'm _happy_ , which is an emotion that up until now I don't think I've ever properly experienced, and I can't think of a single thing that could improve my life right now.

I'm lying beside Jason on his bed, the both of us having come here a while ago to get away from his friends and enjoy some privacy. What started out as kissing quickly turned into more as we couldn't control ourselves, but I'm not complaining. It was amazing.

Shifting onto my side so I can look at Jason, I study his peaceful face. He has his eyes closed and there's the hint of a smile on his lips. Without thinking about it I reach over with a finger to touch that smile, making it bigger as he chuckles in response.

He opens his eyes to turn them on me and everything is perfect. I could stay here with him forever.

"You know you're staring, right?" he asks softly, amusement sparkling in his eyes.

"I think I'm in love with you," I say, not at all worried about moving too quickly or scaring him off with my confession. We're perfect for each other, after all. Two halves of one whole that finally found each other again.

Jason leans over, teasing by acting like he's about to kiss me before moving away, and then I feel his lips ghost across the shell of my ear.

"Good," he whispers.

I let my eyes close as I smile.

"Ryan," he says, still so close that the word turns into goosebumps on my skin. "When are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?"

I open my eyes and look around the room before I can stop myself, then laugh at my own stupidity. Obviously not an _actual_ elephant in the room.

"I don't know what you mean," I say as I turn to face him.

"These," he says, his voice barely audible as he slides a finger along the length of my arm.

A sickening weight settles in my gut as I realise exactly what he's referring to, and I no longer feel the weightless happiness from a moment ago.

"They're nothing," I lie badly, sitting up and pulling away from him to look for the rest of my clothes on the floor. I'm trying to conceal my inner panic but failing spectacularly, my breathing way too fast to be calm. "Anyway I need to get home. My parents will be worried sick."

"Ryan," Jason says, but I ignore him as I shove my feet into my shoes and grab my phone from where it slipped out of my pocket earlier. An instinctual click to check the time informs me that it's ten past three in the morning and I have more missed calls than I can count. _Fuck_.

"I'll see you on Monday," I say over my shoulder, stowing my phone away and heading for the door.

"Ryan, stop," Jason snaps. My hand hesitates on the doorknob. "Talk to me."

I glance over my shoulder at him and give an attempt at a casual smile. "I have to go."

He calls to me again but I don't turn back. I move so quickly that I barely take notice of his friends still gathered in the corner by the TV and then I'm out in the corridor, pulling my phone from my pocket to make the worst phone call of my life.

My dad picks up before the second ring.

"Where the hell are you?" he bursts out.

"I'm fine," I say, though I don't feel fine at all. "I'm... I was out with some friends. I'm really sorry I didn't let you know earlier."

"We can worry about that later," my dad says quickly. It makes me feel worse to hear the genuine concern in his voice. "Do you need me to pick you up?"

"Yes," I say, fighting back tears which are suddenly desperate to be let out. "Please."

"Alright, it's going to be okay. Just text me the address and I'll come get you."

I mutter some kind of agreement before hanging up, typing the address into a text message and pressing send. Reaching the front door of the apartment block, I push it open and step out into the cool air.

All the events of the night rush through my head and I can't believe I let so much happen. I went home with a boy I barely know, accepted a drug I've never had before from someone I have no reason to trust, and proceeded to let Jason whisk me away to his room where we got _very_ physical _very_ quickly.

Sighing and running my hands over my face, I concentrate on not letting the tears escape. I don't want to break down in front of my dad because it'll only make him ask more questions that I'm not ready to answer.

I don't even know what I _will_ say to him when he gets here. I sink down on the ground, leaning against the wall of the building behind me, and hug my knees. I've never told anyone that I'm... that I'm attracted to... I've never said it. Except for that text I sent to Rebecca which I'm not sure even counts since it was typed and I never actually had to say it out loud.

Burying my head in my arms, I wait.

After a couple of minutes I hear the sound of a car and slowly pick myself up, taking deep breaths as I prepare myself to deliver some kind of believable lie to my dad. Something about how I met Jason at the cinema, remembered him from school and then found out we had a lot in common. Using part of the truth always makes a lie go down better, so I'll probably say something about how he had some songs he wanted to play for me and that's why I went home with him.

I have absolutely no intention of admitting to taking acid if I don't have to. Though if it came down to a decision between admitting that or admitting what I feel for Jason, I would go for the drugs first.

It's not my dad's car that's arrived. I don't know who it is and am about to sit back down when the door opens behind me.

"Ryan," Jason says, and I spin around to face him.

"What are you doing?" I ask. "My dad's gonna be here any minute. Go back upstairs."

"Look, I didn't mean to upset you," Jason begins, reaching out for my arm. "I just thought it might help to talk to me, because I know-"

"Hey! What the fuck are you doing out here?"

Jason's face pales but his jaw clenches as his gaze shifts to the person approaching from where they just parked their car. I don't recognise the man, unless you count the tug of familiarity in my brain as I connect the dots and realise he must be Jason's father. He's much older, with messy scruff on his face not quite long enough to be a beard and the same blue eyes as his son.

"I'm having a party," Jason replies.

"No you're not," the man growls, storming past me and grabbing hold of Jason's arm tightly. I catch a strong whiff of alcohol as he passes and take a step back. Yanked away, Jason is pulled back through the door into the apartment building.

"I'll see you on Monday!" he calls over his shoulder anxiously.

Then he's gone.

Though Jason told me that his dad didn't approve of him being gay, he didn't say much else about what the man was like. From that very short glimpse just now, I have a feeling I wouldn't like him very much.

My dad arrives ten minutes later, just as I hear the faint sound of voices inside the building which I _know_ are Jason's other friends leaving. I don't want my dad to see them or to speak to them so I rush forward, meeting the car before my dad has finished parking and jumping into the passenger seat.

"Are you okay?" my dad asks, looking me over and taking too long about it since I'm still thinking about Jason's friends. One wrong word from them could give my dad way more information than he needs.

"Let's just go," I say. "You can grill me once we're home."

Not that I'll feel like answering questions any more at home than I do now. But my dad nods and pulls out from the curb again just as the door of the apartment opens and the others stumble outside.

I only release the breath I'm holding once we turn a corner and can no longer see the apartment. I sag in my seat, completely worn out.

At home, I've barely made it two steps from the front door when my dad puts a hand on my shoulder and gives a very small shake of his head. The weight in my gut spreads to my chest and I want to throw him off, but instead I use every bit of self control that I can muster to stand there silently and wait for him to speak.

"I'm glad that you're okay," he begins after a moment. "But going out without telling us anything is _completely_ unacceptable. Not to mention the fact that you didn't answer your phone at all when I tried calling you. Would you mind explaining that to me?"

I don't want to say anything. I don't want to talk to him about this right now or ever.

"I put my phone down and forgot," I say shortly.

"You put it down," my dad repeats with a frown. "So what were you doing this whole time that made you forget your phone?"

Unbidden memories of lying on Jason's bed with his hands and mouth all over me spring to mind and I feel sick, worrying that my dad will somehow read my mind or my body language and realise exactly what it was that I had been doing all night.

"I- We were just listening to music," I say, feeling my face go red in embarrassment and shame.

"Who? Who's place did you go to?"

"Just a friend." Not just a friend.

"A name?"

"Why does it matter?" I snap, the shame and fear inside me twisting together to become anger that I hurl at him. "It's almost four in the morning, I just want to go to sleep. Can't you yell at me some other time?"

"I'm not yelling at you," he replies quickly. "Ryan, calm down-"

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you where I was going," I say, heading towards the stairs so that I can run up and shut my bedroom door. "I won't do it again. But I'm fine and I need to sleep. You should too."

I hear my dad start to say something but can't work out what it is and I don't want to, anyway. I just keep moving, intent on getting away from the questions so that I'm not forced to lie to him and risk being discovered.

In my room, I jam a chair under the door to make sure no one can come after me and then lie down on my bed, staring at the ceiling.

I can't sleep. I want to – it would be great to just go to sleep and forget all about this – but I can't. My mind is way too alert and I know it's bad. I'm getting in one of my moods again, though this time it feels stronger than they usually are.

Holding an arm in front of my face, I push the sleeve up to expose the thin scars which cover my inner forearm. I can't remember the last time I stared at them without adding a new one, but I suppose I shouldn't think too soon. I'm not exactly free of urges right now.

I continue to stare at them for a few moments longer before letting out a pained groan and covering my face with both hands.

How could I have been so stupid as to let Jason see them?

* * *

Rebecca answers on the fourth attempt to reach her.

"What...? What time is it?" she asks groggily, her voice barely louder than a whisper.

I haven't been able to sleep. It's six thirty and all I've been doing for the past couple of hours is _thinking._

"Did you tell them?" I demand to know.

"Tell- what? What are you talking about?"

"Did you tell your friends? After I messaged you saying that you could, did you do it?" My legs are bouncing rhythmically as I sit on the edge of my bed. I can't stay still. I need to know exactly who might know so that I can squash it before it spreads further.

Rebecca takes way too long to catch up. "Hold on-" At least her voice is sounding more awake now. "Is this about you being gay?"

"I'm not," I snap.

There's a long pause.

"There's nothing wrong with-"

"I said I'm not, okay?"

"Ry..."

"Did you tell them or not?"

She sighs. "I didn't get a chance. We were busy."

The relief that floods through me makes me flop onto my back so that I'm staring up at the ceiling. She didn't tell Emily and Mia. This means I still have a chance at performing damage control.

"What did you mean when you said people would start to wonder?" I ask after a moment of silent contemplation.

"What? When?" Though her voice is much stronger now I can still hear the exhaustion in it as she struggles to keep up with the path my mind is taking.

"You said you had to hang out with your friends because people would start to wonder. About us, I guess. What did you mean?"

"Oh," Rebecca says, sounding a bit surprised. "I only meant that people might think we were in a relationship or something. Everyone at school is talking about getting boyfriends and... I can't get one if they think I already have one, can I?"

"What, you have your eye on someone?" I pry. "Who?"

"No, no one," she says quickly.

"Then why do you care if people wonder about us?"

"I don't know."

I'm not sure what to say to that, so I don't say anything.

"Ryan, why did you call me?" she asks softly.

I think back to when I bumped into Jason on my way to the cinema and he mistook Rebecca for my girlfriend. Such a convenient lie which I let slip right through my fingers because I was so tongue tied.

"What if we _were_ in a relationship?" I ask

She doesn't say anything for a good two minutes. I'm going to have one hell of a phone bill after this, not that I really care. My parents pay for it.

Finally, "Ry, you can't pretend for the rest of your life. I _know_ you don't have a crush on me. You took a picture of _Leo_ for-"

"It was just a joke!" I interrupt. I'm desperate to try and convince her. If I can convince Rebecca, my best friend, that I'm straight, then I can convince anyone. "I thought it would be funny to spread around a picture of him but then I realised you probably wouldn't like it. I was going to delete it."

"After jerking off to it a couple hundred times though, right?" Rebecca retorts.

My face flames up and I'm so angry that I have to squeeze my eyes shut tight as I respond. "I'm not gay."

"Okay, so who's your celebrity crush?" I can't think of a single fucking female celebrity. "Very convincing," Rebecca scoffs.

"I _was_ confused, okay?" I yell, quickly lowering my voice again in an effort not to wake anyone else up. "I thought that maybe... but I'm _not_."

"You seemed pretty sure yesterday! And anyway, I thought you were getting on really well with that guy from school. You made heart eyes around him-"

"I did not make _heart_ eyes," I deny firmly. "And there was no getting on well with him. He's just a guy from school who likes the same music as me."

"Is he gay?"

"I don't know." Except I do.

Rebecca lets out another sigh and I can hear her shifting around on her bed. "I won't pretend to date you, Ryan," she says once she's stopped moving. "I love you, and I get that you're struggling right now, but faking a relationship just to convince other people that you're straight is not a good idea."

"So you're not even willing to _try_?"

"Try what? Dating someone who's not attracted to me at all?"

"Oh you know what, Rebecca? Go fuck yourself."

I end the call aggressively and press my palms to my eyes. My best friend and she won't even listen to me. I hate her.

But just because Rebecca doesn't believe me yet, doesn't mean she never will. I just have to show her – and everyone at school – how serious I am. And until I can find someone to go out with I'll merely have to implement the other half of my plan.

Which means that on Monday I'm going to have to talk to Leo.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you think I know what I'm doing with this story just because I've mapped out the entire plot line,  
> y o u ' r e w r o n g : )


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a tad shorter because I wanted to leave you in pain.

The issue that I'm faced with as I get to school on Monday morning – aside from my exhaustion of not having gotten enough sleep last night – is that Leo is never _alone_. I need to talk to him because he's the only one who can stop the rumours about me, but I can't say anything while he's surrounded by his friends since I get way too choked from nerves.

And it's already started.

On the bus this morning, even though I sat right up the front, a bunch of the students at the back had called out to me mockingly and thrown some paper balls at my head. Now on my way to my locker I receive stares from almost everyone that I walk by, with a few bolder students making rude gestures. I try to ignore it all but my chest just keeps tightening as I think about what I need to do.

Leo's laugh is loud and dumb. And kind of endearing. I clench my jaw at the sound of it and remind myself of what I'm going to do. It's shitty and I'm probably going to hate myself for it once it's done, but hating myself is nothing new. I can do this.

He and his friends round the corner at the end of the corridor and start making their slow way in my direction. I take deep breaths and try to concentrate on what I'm going to say. Something about needing to speak to Leo in private? Or will that just make it look like I'm in love with him even more?

I know it would work better if I said it in front of his friends but I already feel like throwing up. There's at least five of them crowded around him, which is five more people than I can deal with at one time. Then again... a short time of terror saying something in front of all of them might be better than trying to get Leo away and having them all laugh at me.

They're almost here.

"Ry, what happened on Saturday night?"

I flinch at Rebecca's sudden voice behind me and my heart tries to escape it's ribbed cage.

"Not now," I say quickly, hoping she doesn't keep trying to talk to me. I can't miss my chance of speaking to Leo when he comes by.

As he nears, I don't get the chance to say anything before his eyes have found me and he smirks, deliberately making his way over. The words I wanted to say are out of reach and all I can do is stare dumbly as he steps in front of me.

"I'm surprised to see you here," Leo says, glancing back at his friends briefly to share the amusement. "Are you still sore from getting fucked in the ass?"

"Ex _cuse_ me?" Rebecca exclaims.

Her shock and anger somehow invigorates me and in a rush, the words I wanted to say come back.

"Jason planted that photo on my phone," I say. "I didn't take it."

Leo's expression turns curious. "And you're not gay either, I imagine? It was all just 'Jason'?"

I swallow past the lump in my throat and plough on resolutely. I can't stop now. "He won't leave me alone. I think he's in love with me or something, but he won't admit it. And when I turned him down he got mad and that's probably why he set me up with the photo."

I can't look at Rebecca. She will ruin this whole thing if I look at her.

"You turned him down? That's why you were having ice cream with him, is it?" Leo asks, sounding _very_ sceptical.

"He said he'd only leave me alone if I had a fake date with him. I was just trying to make him leave me alone," I say. This part, at least, should be somewhat believable. Leo probably sees me as a complete pushover so it shouldn't be hard for him to picture Jason coercing me into an ice cream date.

There's a long silence as Leo stares at me, trying to decide whether or not to believe my story.

Rebecca sighs audibly and I feel the blood drain from my face in fear of what she's about to do.

"He even followed us into the cinema on Saturday," she says, addressing Leo. "It was really creepy."

Wait. Did she just-?

"Sure you didn't invite him along?" one of Leo's friends asks.

"I didn't even know this was going on, okay?" Rebecca says, for some reason sticking up for me after the way I spoke to her yesterday. She is literally a saint. "Ryan only told me what Jason was doing after we got his phone back from you. Though I didn't really believe him until Jason followed us around on Saturday."

"So all those times you stared at me in the locker room?" Leo asks me.

"Jealousy," I hear myself say. "I wish I had a body like yours. Girls _love_ you."

Leo lets out a small laugh just as Rebecca mumbles, "You know I don't care about that, Ry."

I can't believe my ears.

"Wait," Leo says, realisation dawning in his eyes as he looks between us. "Are you two...?"

Rebecca has the audacity to look bashful as she nods her head.

"Why else do you think I'm so pissed at Jason?" I ask, wasting no time on my surprise in case it tips them off.

Leo takes a step back, forcing a couple of his friends to do the same. Though my heart is pounding and I feel hot all over, I actually think this might be starting to work. How I haven't yet passed out from nerves and panic, I have no idea.

"Now that you mention it," Leo murmurs. "Jason does give me funny looks sometimes."

"Same," says one of Leo's friends, and soon they're all muttering their agreements.

I can't believe how easy it is making Jason the scapegoat. I rationalised it to myself that Jason will be able to handle it better than me. He's so confident I doubt he'll even care. He'll probably just stare back at the first person to accuse him of being gay, shrug, and say 'so what'.

"Great," Rebecca says. "Now that we're all clear, will you _please_ stop spreading false rumours?"

"Don't worry," Leo says, fixing me with a reassuring – if a bit ominous – smile. He's never looked at me like this before and the difference between a smirk and a smile is almost enough to make me drop to my knees in front of him. "We'll make sure Jason pays for being a fag."

Almost.

"It's usually the other way around, actually," comes a newly familiar voice as Jason steps into view from behind Leo's group. He pulls his earphones free and lets them hang where they're tucked into his shirt. "I would _receive_ payment for being a fag. I'm very good."

I can't believe he's so calm about this and just made a joke about being a gay prostitute. I also don't know how I'm going to keep my story straight – so to speak – with him standing right there, about to deny the false claims and send me hurtling back to the pit of Bully Fresh-meat.

"Why stoop to stalking, then?" Leo asks.

Jason glances at me curiously and I clench my jaw.

"Oh," he says after a moment, looking back at Leo. "I guess it's a problem. Straight guys are so fucking hot."

My skin prickles all over.

"So you admit it?" Leo asks, looking like a wolf about to devour a rabbit. "You took that picture of me with Ryan's phone and set him up, just because he said no to you?"

Jason's gaze slides across to me again but this time I look away, unable to face those bright blue eyes. I remember too clearly the feel of his hair against my fingers and the heat of his mouth against my own.

I want him so badly. But there's _no_ way I'd survive high school if I came out. With Leo as the top dog and a raging homophobe, none of us except the bravest like Jason stand a chance.

"Yeah, I took the photo," Jason says finally. I feel a weight lift off my shoulders that I didn't know was there. "You're not exactly mad, though, are you? You passed his phone around just to show off. You should be _thanking_ me. Now everyone knows you're packing."

"Everyone already knew I was huge," Leo says with a swell of pride.

"Do they know you knew I was there?"

There's a pause of confusion as Leo's face falters. "What do you mean?"

"You knew I was there taking the picture," Jason says, taking a step closer. I genuinely have no idea what Jason is talking about since I made the whole thing up, but I feel as curious as everyone else to see where it goes.

"Don't be ridiculous," Leo says as his face contorts in anger.

"Me? Come on. I even wore Ryan's jacket so you'd blame him," Jason says. "You did see it, didn't you? Which is what led you to his phone. You didn't know it was me... but you knew it was a guy... the thought turned you on, didn't it? That's why your dick looks so big in the picture. You were arou-"

There's a sickening _crack_ as Leo's fist swings around and connects with the side of Jason's face. Rebecca shrieks from behind me and I grab hold of her, taking a step back to keep her out of the way.

"You think I'm like you?" Leo yells angrily. "You think I get off on guys?"

"I think you'd get off on anyone sucking your dick," Jason says with a laugh, spitting some blood on the ground at Leo's feet.

Leo takes another swing but this time Jason's hand comes up to grab it. It looks as though Jason is about to twist him around and slam him into the lockers beside us, but before he can do anything of the sort he's wrenched backwards by Leo's friends and pushed to the ground.

"You picked the wrong enemy, faggot," Leo spits as he straightens his clothes and glares down at Jason's form.

"You were already my enemy when I came over here," Jason points out. "And you punch like a faggot."

I feel Rebecca flinch behind me as Leo slams his foot into Jason's stomach.

"Watch your back," Leo hisses, then gathers his friends and leaves.

Jason picks himself up slowly and leans against the lockers, looking at me. His lip is split and a large bruise is beginning to form around it.

"Back to 'not gay' then," he says quietly. "Is Rebecca still just a friend?"

"She's my girlfriend," I say awkwardly. She slowly steps out from behind me.

"Okay," Jason says with a nod. No argument, no judging gaze, just a nod. "Well, I guess I won't see you around."

He pushes off and starts walking away from us.

"I'm sorry," I call out.

He doesn't turn around.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took a bit longer to get to you! I've been working soooo much lately and I'm so tired. Plus my wifi hasn't been great lately - not that that stops me from writing... Point being here it is, I hope you like it, and I hope you're excited because I SURE AM.

The more I try not to think about Jason, the more I inevitably think about him. It's nearing lunch time and I'm going mad not knowing where he is or how he's doing. He hasn't been in any of my classes so far, but the worst thing is I can't even remember if we have any classes together at all. I've never really noticed him before.

I'm staring blankly at the clock, my mind a million miles away, when someone enters the room and asks for me by name to be excused from the class.

"Principal Gomez wants to see him," says the student who's been sent for me.

The Principal wants to see _me?_

"Okay, sure. Ryan," Mrs Williams, my English teacher, says with a sigh. "You may as well take your things with you."

I glance at Rebecca who's sitting beside me and she just shrugs. With no other options available, I pack away my things and then follow the older student out of the classroom and down the corridor.

When we reach the Principal's office the other student leaves me to go in alone. I knock once and push the door open after hearing the faint 'come in'.

I'm surprised to find Leo and Jason standing in front of the Principal's desk. They've left a large gap between them which I slowly step into, unsure of what's about to happen. Is this because of the photo? Am I about to get in trouble for being the real culprit behind it?

"Ryan," Principal Gomez says in a neutral tone that gives away nothing of what's about to happen to me. "I'm glad you were able to come. Jason here says you saw what happened this morning, and since I currently have two conflicting stories, I was hoping you might be able to tell me your ver-"

"He tried to kiss me so I punched him! I was just defending myself," Leo bursts out, pointing an accusing finger past me at Jason. I know at once that the words are for my benefit, even as Principal Gomez sharply says, "Enough!" I catch Leo's eye for a second and read the message clearly: stick to this story or pay.

"Ryan, in your own words please," Principal Gomez continues. "What happened between these two before school started this morning?"

"Um," I begin nervously. Leo shifts his weight and I try to subtly wipe the palms of my hands on my jeans. I know what I'm going to say and I hate myself for it. "Jason came up and... and tried to kiss Leo. Leo told him to back away or something, but he wouldn't, so then Leo hit him."

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Jason sag.

I am the worst fucking person in the entire world.

Principal Gomez is watching me with a frown on his face. "That's what happened?"

"Yeah."

"I see."

I fix my eyes to the floor, unable to look at any of the others in the room right now. Principal Gomez looks disappointed, Jason is definitely angry with me, and Leo just makes me feel sick.

"Well, Jason," Principal Gomez says at last. "Your story is the only one that doesn't match up."

"Okay, fine," Jason spits. "I tried to kiss him. So what? He _punched_ me!"

My head whips to the right to stare at him, disbelief written all over my face. Why the hell is he lying?

"His actions are inexcusable," Principal Gomez says. "But you shouldn't have tried to kiss him if he didn't want you to." Jason starts to protest again so Principal Gomez holds up a hand to silence him. "Ryan," he says to me. "Thank you for helping me sort this out. You can go now."

I hesitate, staring at the side of Jason's head, before finally turning around and heading out of the room.

* * *

I'm lost in thought as I make my way down the corridor to the cafeteria, barely paying any attention when the bell rings to signal lunch and students stream out from the rooms all around me. I'm thinking about Jason. I can't figure out why he lied for me.

See, I still might have been able to convince Leo of my story even if Jason had denied it. I could have said that Jason was lying because he didn't want people to know he was a stalker. So why did he _lie_ and say he actually did it? Was it just to make my life easier? Leo definitely swallowed my story a lot faster with Jason's confession, so I guess I'd be willing to believe that.

But then there's also the fact that Jason lied, just then, about trying to kiss Leo. With two against one, Jason would have gotten into trouble anyway. I sided with Leo (because I'm a horrible person) but Jason still could have stuck to his story without causing problems for me. In fact, Leo and Principal Gomez were probably expecting him to keep denying it. I bet they're as confused as I am.

I can't work it out. I have absolutely no idea what's going on in his head.

Reaching the cafeteria doors, I'm buffeted to one side by a group of students way too eager to get their food. Once I make it in I bypass the line and head straight to my usual table instead.

My usual table also happens to be the hangout spot of Rebecca's friends. Her closest friends are Emily and Mia, but two guys named Cam and Josh often join us as well. I've never really taken the time to get to know any of them – my social life consists solely of Rebecca – but I do know that Emily and Mia are drama nerds, Josh does nothing but plays video games, and Cam is really into science.

Emily is sitting at the table with her phone in her hand when I slide into my seat. I don't expect her to talk to me because none of Rebecca's friends ever say much to me, so it comes as a surprise when she gets up and moves to the seat directly opposite.

"Hey," she says, putting her phone down and leaning forward with a smile on her face.

I frown. "Hey?"

"I heard about what happened at the party on Friday night." She taps her fingers against the table top. "I wish you'd invited me to come along."

My heart skips a beat as I try to figure out exactly what event at the party she's referring to. _Probably_ just the photo on my phone being passed around to everyone. Probably. It's unlikely that she means what happened with Jason because I haven't told anyone and Jason said he didn't either. But I still worry that she somehow found out.

"Anyway, I totally get why you'd want to stay in the closet." I think I'm going to pass out. "Leo is so careless with his words and so many people are like him. But I want you to know that I don't think any less of you. In fact, I've always wanted a gay best friend!"

If I wasn't so shocked right now I would tell her to shut up or at least keep her voice down, but I can barely think let alone tell my mouth to form words.

"You know," Emily continues just when I start hoping she's finished. "You've inspired me to suggest a more contemporary play for this year's drama production. Can you imagine if we had a gay couple as the lead?"

If only it was possible to _will_ myself to die.

Mia, Rebecca and Josh arrive at the same time a few minutes later, arms full of trays of food. Mia has picked one up for Emily and juggles it over to put in front of her as Rebecca sits down beside me.

"Where's Cam?" Emily asks.

Josh replies, but at the same time Rebecca leans close to ask, "You're not hungry?"

I'm still so terrified of the prospect of having Emily know about me that all I can do is shake my head in response.

"That science project is going to take up all of his free time. Poor Mia... Looks like you'll have to wait until later to-"

"Shhhhh!" Mia shrieks, silencing Emily who starts laughing at her friend's panic. "That was supposed to be a secret!"

"What secret?" Rebecca asks, her attention turned away from me for the time being.

"Mia has a cru-ush," Emily sing-songs, making Mia turn bright red. "Can you imagine if they started dating? It would be so cute."

"We're not going to start dating," Mia mumbles. "He's not interested."

"You're going to be famous with me one day." Emily winks at Mia. "He'd better snatch you up while he can."

The conversation moves on, leaving me behind in my thoughts which haven't really progressed any further. Emily knows. How many other people still think I'm gay even though I worked so hard to deny it and cover my tracks? What will happen if Leo hears people still talking as though I'm gay? Will he figure out that I lied?

"-oh and you're definitely going to have to share Ryan from now on," I hear Emily saying and tune back in to find out what's being said about me. "No wonder you always have great clothes with a gay fashionista helping you pick them out!"

The table falls silent and I can hear my heart beating in my ears. I'm staring at a spot on the table that looks like someone took a knife to it, thought I'm not actually seeing it.

"I thought Jason was the gay one," Mia says after a moment.

"They're both gay, aren't they?" Emily asks. Then, to my horror, she turns to me. "You're gay, right? That's what this whole thing is about?"

"No," I say, my head spinning. I feel like a human blender. My insides are churning so much I can't possibly be alive any more, yet for some stupid reason I still have to deal with _this_.

"Oh." Emily glances at Mia. "I thought..."

"He's my boyfriend," Rebecca says abruptly. "We're together. We've... been dating secretly for two weeks and Jason was really jealous so he stalked Ryan."

At least one of us has the common sense to keep up the lie.

"So why does he look like he's going to be sick?" Emily asks dubiously.

Rebecca opens her mouth to reply but is interrupted as Cam finally shows up.

"Who's going to be sick?" he asks, stealing some food from Mia's tray and sitting down on Rebecca's other side. He's got a pair of science goggles on top of his head pressing down his normally unruly blond hair.

"Ryan."

"How come?"

"Because he's trying to keep it a secret that he's gay, but I'm too clever to be fooled."

"Wait, really?"

"Quit talking about him as though he's not here!" Rebecca snaps.

"Well I'd talk _to_ him if he ever actually said anything."

I push my chair back so hard it topples behind me. They all look up, surprised by my reaction, and everything is worse with their eyes on me.

"I have to go," I stammer, turning and walking out as quickly as I can.

I stare at the ground as I go, feeling my eyes start to blur with tears and not wanting anyone to see or ask what's wrong. I just want to get out of here and put all of this behind me. I want to go home and lock myself in the bathroom and just...

Turning out of the cafeteria, I walk right into someone.

"Hey, watch-"

"Sorry," I mumble, stepping back and lifting a hand to wipe at my eyes.

"Ryan?"

I look up and find myself staring into the very concerned eyes of Jason. His split lip looks worse now, the bruising darker than it was the last time I saw it.

"Jason," I say, the word coming out more like a sob. "It's not working. Everyone knows. I can't-"

"Hey, shh."

Putting an arm around my shoulders, Jason glances into the cafeteria before leading me away down the corridor. I don't know why he's being so nice but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy to see him.

Finding an empty classroom a fair distance away from the cafeteria, Jason leads me in and closes the door.

"What happened?"

I'm still a complete bundle of nerves, but somehow it's easier with him.

"Rebecca's friends know. That I'm... and Emily wouldn't shut up. And it's only a matter of time before she tells someone else and then everyone will know and Leo will know and he's going to make my life a living hell even more than it already is-"

"It's not so bad having people know."

"But you're not like me," I protest. "You're... you're so confident and you never care what people think about you. But I can't... I'm not..."

"Hey, calm down."

"I'm trying!"

Jason pulls me against his chest without warning, holding me tightly with one hand on the back of my head and the other around my waist.

I can't remember ever being hugged like this.

"Whatever happens," Jason says softly, his voice as soothing as his arms. "I'll look after you."

"Why?"

"Because I want to."

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Making up for the shorter chapter with this longer one.
> 
> Do you guys like Jason? Please comment and let me know.

After I've calmed down enough, Jason drives me to a park near his house and we lie on top of one of the tables to stare at the sky. With his hand in mine, I feel like I can do anything. Every now and then he rubs his thumb over the back of my hand and it sends electric sparks of happiness through me.

"What are you going to do tomorrow?" he asks, turning to face me. I shift my head as well so that our noses are only an inch apart, my hand twitching in his as my thoughts return to everyone knowing that I'm gay. His grip tightens.

"What would _you_ do?" I ask.

"Me?" His brow wrinkles as he considers the question. "I'd tell everyone I'm gay so that no one else could do it for me."

My heart clenches fearfully and I look back up at the sky where the clouds have blocked the sun.

After a minute or so, I say, "I don't think I've ever actually said it yet."

"That you're gay?"

"Mm."

" _Are_ you?"

I turn to him quickly, tugging on his hand and shrugging one shoulder. "I have to be, don't I?"

"No? Why would you _have_ to be?" he asks with a grin.

"Well..." I'm a bit stumped. I thought Jason wouldn't want me to hide from who I am.

"You look like you're over thinking again," he says, letting go of my hand so that he can put his hands behind his head – and almost whacking me in the face with his elbow. "If you think you're gay, you probably are. I just meant that you might be bisexual or something instead. I can't tell you how you feel."

Oh. That makes sense.

"Have you ever liked any girls?" he asks.

"I like Rebecca."

"Would you kiss her?"

I make a face, because the thought of kissing Rebecca is _really_ weird. She's been my best friend since, like... forever. It would be like kissing my sister, but at the same time there's something else just not right about it.

"I'll take that as a no." Jason chuckles. "What a relief."

"Jealous?"

"Obviously."

A warmth spreads in my chest and I can't say anything because I think I'm going to explode.

Silence covers us like a bubble as we just lie here, the clouds gradually darkening above us as the day wears on. When I look over at Jason again he has his eyes closed and looks completely at ease aside from the ugly bruise on his face. If I was the one who had gotten punched because of someone else, I don't know that I'd be able to stay friends with them.

"I'm sorry," I whisper after a while, looking away from him as guilt weighs down on me.

"Hm?"

"For..." My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth.

"You didn't punch me," he says. "Leo did that because I pissed him off."

"But it's my fault."

"You didn't make Leo punch me. What you _should_ be apologising for is making everyone think I'm a stalker."

"I'm sorry."

"And I wouldn't have had to lie for you if you didn't lie in the first place," he goes on. "But what was I supposed to do? You looked like you were gonna pass out."

It feels like the happiness in my chest has leaked out onto the ground beneath us, replaced with a thick, dark oil of bad emotions. I knew he couldn't be happy with me. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up about him being okay with it.

"I didn't know what else to do," I say lamely, picking at a stain on my pants absent-mindedly.

"Well, in future, try not to treat your boyfriend like shit."

My- what the fuck did he just say????

I'm so shocked that my hand slips and I crack my elbow painfully against the table.

Jason grins as he sits up.

"Did you say that just to freak me out?" I ask, narrowing my eyes as I push myself up too and then rub my sore elbow.

"I said it because it's the best way I can think for you to make this up to me," he says. "You made me lie for you, made me a target for Leo, and told your friends you think I'm a creep. So as payback I think you should go out with me."

I can feel myself grinning even though I'm trying not to. I can't help it. But then I start to think about what it would mean to have a boyfriend... the inevitability of having to come out properly.

"I want to," I say softly. "I really do."

"Then do."

"But is it... okay if we keep it a secret?" There's no way anyone in their right mind would go for this. He's going to be upset and say something about me being ashamed of him, which is horribly, painfully true so I won't even be able to deny it. I am ashamed. Not specifically of _him_ , because _he's_ amazing, but because he's a boy.

"Well," Jason says slowly, stretching a leg over one of mine in order to get closer and putting his hands on my hips. The touch of his fingers sends shivers through me. "I think my friends already know about us after the other night... and you just told me your friends know, too. But," he says as I tense up, his fingers digging in as if he's trying to keep me here with him instead of retreating into my mind. "I won't tell anyone else. And if anyone asks I'll lie."

He'll lie. Again.

"I don't get you," I say honestly, my voice a whisper.

"What's there to get?"

I shrug, unsure how to put what I'm thinking into actual words.

He doesn't push it, instead leaning back slightly to look around us. He does so thoroughly, even twisting around to check behind him as well before turning back to me with a grin.

"What?"

"No one's watching."

I know what he's going to do and tilt my head in preparation, feeling my heart skip nervously as I close my eyes and feel his lips press against mine. He kisses me softly, his mouth coaxing mine open wider as his fingers spider their way up my side, across my chest and to my neck.

For a moment I'm not thinking about anything but him. Not Rebecca's friends, the other people at school, my parents or even the possibility of someone walking by while we're so wrapped up in each other. There's just him and the way we fit together so perfectly that I can barely believe we've only known each other for a few days.

The kiss deepens and I tangle my fingers in his hair, trying to pull him closer. I don't care that we're in public. I don't care about anything.

The moment is ruined as my phone starts ringing. Everything comes crashing back to me and I pull back, going red as I avoid Jason's gaze and take my phone out of my pocket. I'm expecting Rebecca so it's a surprise when I see that the caller is my sister, Jasmine.

Please don't tell me that the rumours have spread up into her grade. I can't handle it.

Snatching my phone out of my hand despite my loud 'Hey!' of protest, Jason answers it.

"Hello?"

I try to grab it back but he just grins and climbs off the table to get out of my reach.

"This is Jason, who's this?"

"Give it back!" I hiss.

"Ah, yes, he's right here," Jason says into the phone, raising an eyebrow at me. I shake my head disapprovingly and he just shrugs. "I'm currently working as his receptionist, so can I pass on a message? … Okay, fine."

He finally hands me my phone and I turn away from him in mortification to speak to her.

"Jasmine?"

_"Are you okay?"_

"I'm fine, why?"

_"Because I just heard that apparently there's a rumour you're gay."_

I would like the earth to swallow me right now.

"Well I'm- I'm not."

_"Obviously."_

Obviously? What's that supposed to mean? I'm not gay enough? And why the hell does it bother me that she doesn't think I'm gay? This is _good_ , isn't it? Shit.

"Okay, well did you want anything else?"

_"Yeah, I wanna know why you're with someone named Jason instead of being in class."_

"How do you know I'm not-"

_"You answered your phone."_

Damn. What time is it? It feels like we've been out here for ages, surely all the classes are done for the day? I glance at my watch and see that there's still half an hour left until the school day is done.

"Well, why are _you_ using your phone?"

_"Because I have a free period. I went to the library to study and one of my friends asked me if it was true that you're gay."_

"It's not," I say again, immediately regretting it. 'The lady doth protest too much' and all that. Not that I'm a lady, but I'm protesting more than is probably necessary in this situation.

_"I'm your sister, I think I'd know if you were gay. Anyway, if you need me to talk to anyone, just let me know. This is a form of bullying, you know."_

"I don't need you to do anything. Just forget about it."

_"Fine. Now tell me why you skipped class."_

"I was just..." Maybe an element of the truth will be okay, here? I can't think of an appropriate lie right now anyway. "-sick of people saying I'm gay. But I'm sure it'll all blow over by tomorrow."

There's a pause before she replies this time. _"Just make sure you're home at the usual time. Mom and dad are worried about you after your disappearing act on Saturday night."_

I half expect her to ask me about that, too, but she doesn't.

Ending the call, I put my phone away and turn to see Jason watching me carefully.

"You shouldn't have answered it," I blurt out. "It'll be your fault if she connects the dots because of you."

"My fault?" he asks sharply.

"You know what I mean. You told her your name! If she finds out any more about why people think I'm... She'll probably figure it out like Emily did and think that I skipped class to come out here with you and..."

"Make out?"

I shrug, too embarrassed to reply since we both know that is _exactly_ what we were doing.

"I was just having some fun. I didn't know you'd get so upset by it."

"I just don't want people to-"

"-to know that you're gay. I get it." Jason sighs and shoves his hands into his pockets.

The silence that stretches between us this time weighs heavily on me. I can't help feeling that I've pushed the limit too far and he's rethinking this whole thing. Realising that he doesn't actually want to be in a relationship with someone that he's going to have to keep a secret the whole time. When he speaks again, I'm certain it will be to tell me that this won't work out after all. 'It was fun while it lasted, but I think you should sort things out first.' Something like that, anyway.

He doesn't speak. He sits down on the grass and pulls at it, each blade of grass that's uprooted being like a piece of my soul breaking. This is all my fault. He was making a joke and I freaked out over it. I ruined everything.

"I'm sorry," I say, cautiously moving over to him and sitting down on the grass. "I'm not mad at you. I was just scared."

"You said it was my fault," he mutters, pulling up more grass.

"It's not," I say. "It's mine. Everything, anything that happens now. It's my fault because of that stupid photo."

"Leo isn't even that good looking."

Well. I mean. He kind of is, so I don't know what to say to that.

Looking up at me, Jason makes a face. "Oh, come _on_."

"What?"

He stands up, brushing himself off and starting to walk away, so I jump up and run after him.

"I can't help who I'm attracted to," I say almost pleadingly. I've never been so close to _anyone_ before. I can't lose him now. "But I don't actually _like_ him. I just think he's hot. There's a difference."

"Really?" Jason scoffs, heading in the direction of his car.

"Yes! Because you're hot _and_ a really nice person."

"You're just saying that because I gave you a blowjob."

"What the hell? That has nothing to do with it."

"Look," he says, slowing and facing me. "I'm not... I think I should take you home now." My face must pale considerably because he actually chuckles before adding, "I'm not breaking up with you! Relax."

"But you're not happy with me, either."

"We've both had a rough day. We probably just need some space to chill."

I don't want space to chill but I follow him when he gestures with his head in the direction of his car and sets off again. The drive feels like it takes less time than it should and too quickly I find myself outside the driveway of my house.

"It's okay if you hate me," I say softly. "I get it. I've been horrible to you."

"I don't hate you," he replies, reaching over to grab my hand. "Stop being such a Drama King."

"I'm sorry that I said it was your fault. And I'm sorry that I think Leo's hot."

With a roll of his eyes and a smile, Jason pushes me. "Just get out!"

There's a smile on my face now too as I do as I'm told. I don't know why he's not mad and doesn't hate me, but I'm glad.

"Oh! Before you go," Jason calls out just before I shut the car door. He leans over the seat to look up at me easier. "Do you remember my friend Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"His band has a gig this Friday night. Do you wanna come?"

A social situation. No, I don't really want to go. But Jason will be there and he looks so excited right now. Wait, what if this counts as a sort of date? Is he asking me on a date? Can you have a date at a gig? That's a stupid question, of course you can.

"Sure," I reply after too long.

"Great," he says with a wide grin, ignoring my long pause. "It starts around eight at this cafe further in the city, so I'll drive you."

"Okay."

"Now go."

I close the door and step back, watching him drive away.

When I turn around to go up to the house, I freeze in place as I see Jasmine standing in the doorway watching me. There's a thoughtful frown on her face which absolutely terrifies me. How much did she see? Did she overhear anything? Did we say anything incriminating?

Forcing myself to act natural, I walk up and push past her inside.

"I thought you were studying at the library?"

"I was," she replies, shutting the door behind us and then following me up the stairs. "But then I got bored and came home."

Reaching my room, I step inside and kick my door to close it.

Jasmine's hand stops it.

"Who's Jason?" she asks.

"No one," I snap. "Get out."

She's silent for a moment but doesn't leave, just watching me as I sit down at my desk and pull out some homework that I have.

"You're not actually gay, are you?" she asks finally.

"No! What the hell?"

"Sorry! It's just... I don't know. Sorry."

"Get out," I repeat.

Holding her hands up in a surrender, she backs up and then pulls the door closed so that I'm alone.

At least she somewhat believes me... I think.

I groan and drop my head onto my desk, wishing I could rewind time and just not take that photo of Leo. If I could just stop that one thing from happening, my life could go back to normal. 'Normal' being no one even remotely close to finding out that I'm gay.

But, a small voice whispers, what if that means I never met Jason?


	8. Chapter 8

I don't know what Rebecca said to them, but for the rest of the week none of her friends make any comments about me being gay. Even Emily keeps silent, only occasionally studying me a bit longer than is normal. When she does this, though, Rebecca makes a point of grabbing my hand and whispering a pun in my ear to make me grin.

After I explained everything (minus the bathroom incident at the party) to Rebecca on Tuesday, she hasn't said any more about it. All she's done is gotten a bit clingier, which is just part of pretending to be dating.

Jason is the only problem. Whenever I see him in the corridor or in one of the classes we share, I feel my entire being is a beacon that everyone must be able to see. How can they not know how I feel about him? I'm glad they don't, but I just can't believe it. I am _so_ obvious. Yesterday I walked into a doorframe because I was looking at him.

Despite the awkward tensions every time we make eye contact, I actually think things might be almost back to the way they were. It's finally Friday, Rebecca is still my best friend, her friends barely speak to me anymore like usual, and Leo's probably forgotten I exist.

That's what I think. Right up until lunch time.

"Ryan, wait up."

Pausing outside the cafeteria, I turn around and see Leo walking up to me. Surprisingly, he's alone.

"Hey," I say awkwardly, feeling my heart racing in my chest.

As he reaches me, he slaps my shoulder as if I'm his best friend. "What's up? Haven't seen much of you recently."

Somehow I end up walking into the cafeteria beside him and we line up for food together. I feel like I'm in a dream. Leo is talking to me. He's actually talking to me like we're on good terms. And damn, he has a good jawline from this angle.

I don't know what he's saying. I think I'm just nodding my head to whatever he says, not even watching what's going on my tray.

Then, to top it all off, I find myself sitting at his table.

With all the other jocks.

Across the room, I catch Rebecca's wide-eyed expression and try to send her a telepathic cry for help. Because as much fun as it is to be surrounded by a group of hot, sporty guys, I can't help feeling like this is a trap of some sort.

"So what have you been up to?"

It takes me a moment to realise the question is directed at me. Leo is watching me calmly.

"Oh, just... school work."

Definitely not texting Jason all the time.

"I can't believe Mr Alda gave us another History assignment today. Hello! We only just handed in the last one yesterday," says one of Leo's friends, Nick I think.

"Yeah, it's not fair. How am I supposed to find the time to get all this work done when I've got football practise every other day?" Leo complains.

Almost everyone at the table mumbles their agreement, but I stay silent. The History assignment we were given in class today looks pretty easy compared to all the other things we've had to do recently, and I've got plenty of time to get it done since I don't play sports.

"You're pretty good at History, aren't you?" Leo asks.

"Uh, average I guess." I shrug.

"So you understand what the question is getting at?"

I frown but nod.

"I can't get my head around it for some reason," Leo says, lowering his voice. "Do you reckon you could write down some points for me just to get me started? I'd owe you one."

The corner of his mouth quirks up in a half grin as he stares at me hopefully, and before I know it I'm agreeing.

"Sure. I can give it to you this afternoon?"

"You're a life saver," Leo says, beaming at me.

I spend the rest of the lunch period in a bit of a daze, thinking about how weird it is that Leo and I are now sort of friends. Are we? I don't know. But being on speaking terms and having him ask me for a favour is way more than I ever thought could be possible in the past. He's really popular, whereas I don't even talk to _Rebecca's_ friends.

When lunch is over and everyone files out, I spot Jason hovering in a back corner watching me. As our eyes meet, I give a small shrug. I have no idea what just happened. But at least it didn't end badly? Leo hasn't even really made fun of Jason much this week.

My next class is Algebra, with the elderly Mrs Shaughnessy as our teacher. I'm pretty sure she's going deaf, which means it's always a more relaxed class as we can get away with a lot more than in others.

I sit next to Rebecca, instantly aware of her eyes boring into me.

"What the hell happened at lunch?" she hisses as we pull our books out.

"To tell you the truth, I have absolutely no idea," I reply in a whisper. "He spoke to me in the corridor and the next thing I knew, I was sitting with him!"

"What did he want?"

I shrug. "To see how I was? I dunno."

"What, he just wanted to talk to you? Leo doesn't just _talk_ to people."

"I know! But he didn't say anything else. We just spoke about... sport... and homework."

Rebecca grins. "You talked about football?"

"Not _me_ , but they did, yeah."

"Well... just be careful. He's not usually 'nice' without a reason."

She doesn't need to tell me that twice. Last time he was nice to me he ended up with my phone and... No. Not going there right now.

I tap my pen against my book thoughtfully and then say, "He did ask me to write some notes for him for the History assignment. But that wasn't... He sounded genuine."

Rebecca drops her head onto her book and groans.

"What?"

"'He sounded genuine!' Seriously?"

"He did!"

"Just don't forget that you have a boyfriend now," Rebecca whispers, lifting her head and raising her eyebrows meaningfully.

"Leo's not even competition!" I whisper back, leaning closer to her. "He's straight, for one. He also outed me to the entire school. I would never go out with him even if he wanted me to."

"Good!"

I roll my eyes and turn back to my book, trying to concentrate on getting my work done.

After a few minutes, Rebecca turns to me again. "Ry... Don't freak out, okay? But Emily sort of knows that we're not really together."

I stiffen. I really don't want to talk about Emily, _especially_ if she knows.

"Did you tell her?" I ask.

"Not on purpose," Rebecca replies quickly. "It's just that she was already convinced about you and then she cornered me wanting to know everything. I'm not a brilliant liar when it comes to my friends, okay?"

"What did she say?"

"Just that she kind of guessed, anyway. But she doesn't care, Ry. And she promised not to talk about it to anyone until you're ready."

That's kind of her. Would've been nicer if she kept her mouth shut in the first place, though.

"Are you mad?"

"No, I'm scared," I murmur truthfully.

Shifting in her seat, Rebecca gives me a hug with one arm. I grin and lean into her, thankful that Mrs Shaughnessy is currently leaning over her desk and squinting at something she's got written down.

"Everything's gonna be fine," Rebecca promises me.

As my thoughts drift to Jason, I can't help hoping she's right.

* * *

After the last class of the day, I head out with Rebecca, Emily and Mia. Cam is staying back to work on his science experiment – I think – and Josh stayed back to help him. I've got a piece of paper in my hand with the notes I jotted down to help Leo with the History assignment, but I haven't seen him yet to give it to him.

As we walk my phone buzzes in my pocket so I fish it out to check who the text is from.

_I'm parked around the corner. Come home with me? -Jason_

I grin as I think about what we've planned for tonight. A whole night in the city with Jason and away from people we know at school so that we can just be ourselves. Truthfully, he's been talking it up a lot to me the whole week in text messages to make me feel better about going. It's working.

"Ryan?"

"Hm?" I look up from typing a reply and see that the three girls have paused to wait for me. "Oh, go on ahead. I still have to find Leo, anyway." I have the piece of paper and hope it's enough to make them leave. I don't want anyone to see or question why I'm going to walk down the road and around the corner instead of going my usual way to the bus.

"Are you sure?" Rebecca asks. "I can wait with you if you want."

"No, it's fine. Go."

"Okay."

Rebecca turns to go.

"Aren't you going to kiss him goodbye?" Emily asks.

There's a painfully awkward silence between us as Rebecca glances first at Emily and then at me. I feel like a deer in headlights. Kiss Rebecca? In front of people? Please, let her just kiss me on the cheek. Kiss my cheek and then run.

"Public displays of affection are weird," Rebecca says with an awkward laugh.

"But he's your boyfriend," Emily points out. "You should be excited! Don't worry about what other people think."

"I'm going to not worry about what _you_ think of me not kissing him right now," Rebecca quips. "Come on, let's go."

I have to focus really hard not to grin with pride as they leave. Emily looks really put-out and it's only boosted my mood. I love Rebecca.

Going back to my phone, I finish my text and then put it away. ( _On my way. Don't leave without me! -Ryan_ )

Doing a quick scan of the people around me, I finally spot Leo with a couple friends over by the gate. I head over to them, trying not to think about the way they're probably going to look at me. I can handle it. It's fine. It's not like they think I'm gay anymore.

"Hey, Leo!" I call out as I approach. He looks over with the remnant of a smile on his face and then waves. "I have the notes you wanted." I hold up the paper in my hand.

"Legend!" he says as I reach him and his friends and hand the paper over. "You're seriously the coolest person I know right now."

I try really hard not to react to those words. I remind myself that he's really mean, tried to ruin my life and punched Jason. I don't need him to like me. I shouldn't _want_ him to like me either.

"Okay, well, see you tomorrow," I say, giving a small shrug and turning to walk away.

"Tomorrow is Saturday," Leo says with a loud laugh which his friends instantly mimic. "You're not going to start stalking me the way Jason stalked you, are you?"

My face goes bright red and I quickly shake my head. "No, no, I meant Monday. I'll see you on Monday. Never mind."

They're still laughing when I make it out of the gates and power-walk down the sidewalk towards the corner. My face is absolutely burning in embarrassment and I'm half tempted to step out onto the road so a passing car will hit me.

Around the corner, I see Jason's car and quickly head for it. He's sitting on the bonnet and talking to someone on the phone as I get closer, so I slow down to wait for him to finish. I don't _mean_ to, but I hear some of what he's saying.

"Are you sure it was Josh Yau, though?" He lifts a hand to acknowledge me and then turns around to talk a bit quieter. Josh Yau is the Josh in Rebecca's friend group so now I'm just even more intrigued. I start leaning towards him, hoping to still hear what he's saying. "Well, it's not true. I think _I'd_ know if Ryan had accepted my advances." Wait, now he's talking about me? "It wasn't... Forget it. I'll talk to you later, okay? I have to go."

Quickly leaning back, I try to look casual and not like someone who was just eavesdropping. I think I'm failing.

Jason ends the call and pushes off from the car to step over to me.

"Hey," he says.

"Hey."

"I figured we could go back to my place for a bit and then when it's time to go we can just leave. Sound cool?"

"Sounds great."

He moves around to the driver's side and we both get in the car, but the question of who he was talking to and what it was about is burning way too hot inside me and I can't let it go. I have to know.

"Who were you talking to just now?" I ask as he pulls away from the curb.

He hesitates before answering. "A friend of mine from the grade above us."

"What was it about?" I look over at him and see a frown on his face. "I heard my name."

"Look, it's probably not even true," he says quickly, making my fear grow bigger. "Apparently your friend Josh was talking to some people about how you're gay and secretly dating me."

I fucking knew it. I knew someone would blab. Holy shit, I don't know what to do. They're all going to find out again.

"I told him it's not true, though," Jason tries to reassure me. "And I'm pretty sure everyone believes your story, so even if he is going around saying this they'll probably just ignore him."

"Your friend believed it enough to ask you."

"My friend is pretty gullible."

It feels like there's a pit where my chest should be and it's sucking away my life force. I can't do this. What if someone saw me leave and get in Jason's car? What if someone we know _is_ at the gig tonight?

"I wanna go home," I say quietly.

Jason's hands tighten on the steering wheel.

"What more do you want me to do?" he asks after a moment. "I'm lying to my friends and avoiding you at school even though all I want is to be with you. I can't help it if your friends turn on you, okay? Don't punish me for something that's out of my control."

"I'm not-" I feel tears prick my eyes and bite my lip, staring out the car window. "I'm not trying to punish you."

"It feels like it. Do you even actually like me? Because I'm kind of doing all the work here."

"I do!" I burst out, turning to look at him. "I really do. I just... I don't know how to cope with this."

"Stop pushing me away," Jason says, glancing over at me before returning his gaze to the road. "If you want me you'll be happier with me. Let me take you out tonight and I promise you'll have fun."

"I don't want people to find out."

"They won't if we're careful."

I don't know if I believe him. I want to, but I'm so scared. I keep seeing faces in my head of people jeering at me for being gay, or my parents looking disappointed. I can almost hear my dad saying, 'I never wanted a gay son'. It's too much.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jason asks. I say nothing so he continues anyway. "Do you cut yourself because you're gay?"

It feels like my face is on fire and my eyes are so blurry I can barely see. He's right. But he's also wrong. It's more complicated than that.

He's silent for a while and my mind spins with a million possible things he could be thinking. They all come down to the same basic idea that I'm insane and he probably regrets getting involved with me.

Finally reaching his apartment, he parks and remains in his seat.

"Show me your wrists."

Absolutely not. I pull my sleeves over my hands and hold on tightly.

"I can't help you if you don't let me," he says, shifting his body towards me. "Cutting yourself is a really messed up thing to do and I want you to stop. Or at least tell me why you do it so I can fix it."

"You can't _fix_ it," I snap angrily, wiping away a stray tear.

"Why not? Tell me why you do it."

"Because I hate myself!" I shout, mad at him for pushing me and sick of bottling things up. I feel the hot rush of emotions in my chest bubbling their way to the surface and trying to come out all at once. "I don't want to be gay! I don't want to freeze up every time I'm in public and I sure as _hell_ don't want to be so fucking sad all the time. But I am, okay? I don't have a lot of friends. I'm not attractive. I'm not-" My voice cracks and I punch the dashboard out of frustration. "I'm not who my parents want me to be and I'm scared that I never will be! That's why I cut myself! Because it's the only thing I can do right and I deserve it!"

Breathing heavily, I sit with my eyes closed and flex my stinging hand.

"Why were you sitting with Leo at lunch?"

I'm so surprised by the subject change that my neck cracks as I look over at him. Did he even listen to a word I just said or has he been sitting there this entire time in his own world?

"He asked me to."

"Why? What did he want?"

"He wanted me to write History notes for him."

"So you told him to go fuck himself?"

Why are we even having this conversation? I'm so exhausted, so I drop my head into my hands before replying. My voice is muffled. "No. I took notes for him and gave them to him after school."

Jason sighs loudly and everything is a million times worse. Am I ever not going to be a disappointment?

"Anyone would think _he's_ your boyfriend," he says after a moment.

"That's ridiculous."

"But you do everything he tells you to."

"No I don't!"

Jason grabs my wrist to pull my hand away from my face. "Name one time you stood up to him."

"Just because I can't think of one doesn't mean it never happened." I pull my arm back but Jason keeps a firm hold. I'm acutely aware of the fact that there's only a thing layer of cloth between his fingers and my scars.

"You even lied for his ass when he claimed I tried to kiss him. As if I'd kiss that shitdick."

"I'm sorry!"

Jason lets go of me and we sit staring at each other. I instinctively pull the ends of my sleeves over my hands again.

"I just wish I could take you places without you freaking out," he says at last. The look on his face threatens to split my heart in two. I am such a dick. "I was really looking forward to a night out with you, but if you can't... you know. If you'd rather stay home, I guess I can text Alex and tell him I won't be coming after all."

Jason pulls his phone out of his pocket and I feel like I might throw up. This is all my fault. Now Jason's offering to stay home with me and let his friend down. I can't make him do that. I could tell him to just go without me, but I don't think I could bear the awkward silence as he drove me back home.

"They were really looking forward to seeing you again, too," Jason adds with a sigh as he types away on his phone.

"Who?" I ask, the word barely a whisper.

Jason glances at me briefly. "My friends. They thought you were pretty cool and I told them you'd agreed to come out with me tonight."

Fuck it.

Like Jason said, there probably won't be any people from school there. It's in the city away from my parents and anyone who might recognise me. I'll be with Jason – the guy who somehow hasn't dumped me yet after everything I've done – and his friends are actually interested in seeing me again.

"Fine," I say suddenly, making Jason pause and look up. "I'll come."

A grin starts to stretch across Jason's mouth before he abruptly frowns again. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. I want to come."

He studies me silently for a moment, then leans over to kiss me.

"You'll have fun, I promise. And if worst comes to worst..." He winks. "I'll just give you acid again."

He climbs out of the car but I'm slower to follow, my mind caught on the idea of taking more acid. The last time I took it I really did feel happier and more care-free than ever. Up until now I hadn't really thought about it again, since the main thing I remembered from that night was Jason asking about my scars and then me absolutely panicking.

But it did. It worked.

As I slip past Jason into his building while he holds the door open for me, I've made up my mind. If anyone offers me more, I'm going to say yes.

I might even ask for it myself.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you call a sexual vampire?
> 
> A reck romancer.
> 
> Leave a comment for more terrible puns.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -claps excitedly-

Jason's dad isn't home when we get inside and I'm tempted to ask about what he does for a living, but I don't want to risk putting Jason in an even worse mood so I keep my mouth shut as he leads me to his room. We sit on his bed and it's just as I remember it being a week ago.

"Fall Out Boy?" he asks as he grabs his laptop and opens it. I grin and nod, watching as he switches to his iTunes and puts our favourite band on shuffle all albums. With that now playing in the background, he pushes his laptop onto his pillow and looks over at me.

"What?"

"I was just thinking... we should do something with your hair for tonight." He reaches out to brush his fingers through it and I frown at him.

"Like what?" I ask slowly.

"Like... gel it into a hot mess. Not that you're not already a hot mess," I blush and look away from him. "But to commemorate our first … 'outing', I think we should put some more effort in. And I can lend you a jacket."

I say nothing as he stands and crosses to his closet. Looking down at what I'm wearing, I feel a wave of anxiety and self doubt. Is this cafe really fancy? What kind of music does Alex's band play? What if I make a fool of myself in front of everyone? And of course, yet again... what if I see someone I know?

"Aha!" Jason says, turning around and holding a leather jacket proudly in his hands. "You should wear this."

He looks so excited.

"You really think it'll work on me?" I ask, standing up to join him.

"Of course. But take off your hoodie."

I pull my hoodie off obediently, but my shirt gets caught up in it and before I know it I'm freaking the fuck out all over again, trying to pull my shirt back on and holding the hoodie protectively over my arms. How the hell do I keep on forgetting about my scars around him? He puts me at ease, sure, but... damn.

"I've already seen them," Jason says, yanking the hoodie roughly from my hands and tossing it into the corner of his room, onto a pile of his own clothes. Then, without even looking at my inner arms, he passes me the leather jacket.

I pull it on quickly, trying to calm my breathing, and once it's on Jason gives me a huge grin of approval.

"Sexy."

"Right."

"I mean it!"

Grabbing the collar, he pulls me closer and kisses me.

Then, before I can say anything, he disappears out the door.

"Where are you going?" I call out.

"Come," is all he says in reply.

Stepping out into the small corridor, I see that the light is on in the middle room and quickly go after Jason into the small bathroom. He's rummaging through the cupboards, looking for something, before finally holding up a container of gel.

"Time for your hair," he announces.

"We don't have to leave for ages, yet," I protest, taking a half step back, but Jason just grins and pulls me in to stand in front of the mirror.

"You said you don't think you're attractive," Jason says, pulling off the lid and getting some gel on his fingers. "But you are. So tonight I'm giving you a few physical reminders of how hot you are to boost your confidence."

"I didn't... I was just..." I don't know what to say. I want to take back everything I said earlier just to make him stop worrying about me, but I don't want to lie to him. I look in the mirror and can't help feeling a bit flat, but I have to admit that the collar of the leather jacket _does_ help make me look pretty good. It makes my jaw line stand out a bit more and I almost smile.

Suddenly Jason's hand is in my hair, running the gel through and twisting the strands this way and that. I have to turn my head a few times so he can get a better angle, but he doesn't complain or say anything until it's done, at which point he winks at me before washing the remains of the gel off his fingers.

Looking in the mirror again, I have to admit I look pretty cool. Still not 'hot' by my standards, but no longer terrible.

I'm about to say thanks when my phone goes off in my pocket and my stomach lurches in fear. I forgot to tell my parents I wouldn't be coming home.

But when I get my phone out, it's Rebecca calling.

Jason frowns as I hold a hand up to him and step out of the bathroom to answer it.

"Hey, what's up?"

_"Hey... are you with Jason right now?"_

"Um, yeah, why? What's wrong?"

_"No, nothing's wrong. I was just... well I was kind of hoping we could hang out tonight. Like we usually do?"_

"Oh." I glance over my shoulder and duck out into the living area to get a bit further away from Jason so he doesn't overhear. I don't know exactly why I don't want him hearing, but I don't. "He's taking me out to a cafe tonight, actually."

There's a pause before she answers. _"That sounds fancy."_

"Kind of. Not really. I don't know."

_"Well don't let me ruin your fun! I think it's great that you're finally getting out there."_

"Really?"

_"Of course! It's cute, actually. You're smitten."_

I snort and roll my eyes. 'Cute', really? And 'smitten'? Not words I would have used to describe myself.

_"What about tomorrow night?"_

"Yeah? Yeah, that should be fine."

_"Great! You can tell me all about your date."_

"It's not..." Well, it might be. "Whatever."

_"Have fun, Ry. I love you."_

"Love you too," I reply, grinning and ending the call.

As I turn around, I see Jason standing in the doorway watching me.

"Rebecca?" he asks.

"Yeah."

Walking over to me, he slides his arms around my waist and leans his forehead against mine.

"She looks at you a bit strangely sometimes, have you noticed?" he murmurs. "Though it's usually when you're not looking back at her, so you probably haven't seen."

"Strange how?" I ask, my arms going around his neck.

He shrugs. "Like... wistful? I dunno. I'm probably over thinking it."

I'm silent as I consider his words. Why would she look at me like that? There's no way she's actually interested in me or she would have said something ages ago. Plus there's the fact that she was against pretending to be my girlfriend at first.

"What are you thinking?" Jason asks.

"That Rebecca is one of the best people in the world."

I think I see something dark cross his eyes for a moment, but we're standing so close that I could be wrong and the next second he's smiling.

"I'm glad you've got a friend like her."

"Me too."

"But I have a serious question to ask you..." He trails off and draws his eyebrows together.

"What is it?" I ask nervously.

"What should _I_ wear tonight?"

Rolling my eyes, I push him away and head back to his bedroom. He follows me with a cheeky grin and then starts pulling clothes out of his closet, trying to decide. As he deliberates over which black shirt to wear, I type a message to my dad.

_Hanging out with a friend. Might not be back until late so don't wait up for me. -Ryan_

"What do you think?" Jason asks after a few minutes, posing in the outfit he's chosen.

I think, _fuck me_ , but I say, "You look great."

"So do you."

I can't believe we had an argument earlier. We are literally perfect together. As he turns to shove some of his mess back in the closet, I grin widely to myself. Life is still shit but Jason is incredible. I just wish I could bottle this feeling and bring it out again at my lowest moments to remind myself why I want to be with him.

"Stop staring at my ass," Jason snaps, hitting me in the face with a sock.

"I wasn't!" I deny, blushing bright red.

But I was.

* * *

We spend the rest of the afternoon taking dumb quizzes online – according to Buzzfeed's Harry Potter character quiz, Jason is Snape and I'm Harry – and Jason does such a good impression of a Scottish accent that I'm half convinced he's secretly Scottish and has been fooling me this entire time.

When it's finally time to leave, Jason brings a CD which he ripped himself and we listen to a bunch of his favourite songs on our way. I love his taste in music, so I'm not complaining, and by the time we arrive at the cafe I actually don't feel nervous at all.

Inside we meet up with his friends. Since I've already met them before there's no need for awkward introductions and we all just pile at a table and get comfortable. Alex is with us since his band won't be playing until later, though his face is completely decked out in make-up already. I find myself staring at it, thinking about how long it must have taken him to draw on the perfect lines around his eyes.

"Where's Taj?" Jason asks with a glance around the room, his arm resting casually around my waist as we're sitting next to each other.

"Sick," Alex replies, looking a bit ill himself all of a sudden. "I'm singing instead tonight."

"What? No way!" Jason exclaims. "That's awesome!"

Alex grins but doesn't say anything else. I recognise his behaviour as nerves and feel a bit sorry for him. I don't know what he normally does in his band, but it sounds like he's used to just being an instrument. Being the main singer is sure to have him freaked out with pre-performance jitters.

"You'll be fine," Tim reassures him. "In the meantime, get some food in."

My attention is pulled away from them as Jason shifts, leaning towards Luke who is on his other side.

"Do you think you could get us some party supplies?" Jason asks in a whisper, absent-mindedly sliding a menu over to me at the same time. I look down at it but keep listening.

"You got cash?" Luke asks.

"Obviously."

"Then of course I can! Anything you want."

I'm distracted again as a waiter arrives at our table, offering to take orders for drinks and starters. Everyone seems to know immediately what they want so I quickly look down at the menu, but for some reason the whole thing has become blurred as I'm overcome with nerves. If I take too long to decide they'll all be waiting for me but I can't read anything. This is why I didn't want to come. One of the reasons why. I can't think. I can feel the waiter's eyes on me and I know that everyone else on the table is looking at me now, too.

"He'll have what I'm having," Jason pipes up, his arm tightening around my waist.

I quickly nod and put the menu back down. I have no idea what that means I'll be eating, but I'm sure it'll be good.

The waiter leaves and Jason pulls his arm back.

"Hey, Luke and I are just gonna go grab some things. Will you be okay here for a minute?" Jason asks me.

"Um, I guess," I say with a small shrug. I want to say no and make him stay with me, but I also don't want to cause a scene or make him think I can't cope.

"We won't be long," he says, giving my hand a squeeze before sliding out of his chair and following Luke out of the cafe.

I'm left at the table with Alex, Tim and Lawrence.

"Thinks are going well with Jason, then?" Alex asks with a wink. I go bright red and have no idea what to say in response, but he doesn't seem put off. His own nerves from earlier seem to have completely vanished as he leans back in his chair and stretches his legs out in front of him under the table. One of his feet knocks against mine before he pulls it back a bit. "You're cute together."

"Thanks?"

"Just one question," Alex says with a slight frown. "He's not been pressuring you at all, has he?"

"W-What do you mean?"

"Well when we first met you he said you weren't out, but now you're at a cafe with his arm around your waist. You're okay with this, right?"

I'm caught off guard by the question and actually feel touched that he's worried about me.

"I'm fine," I say, even though it's not really true since Jason had to work at convincing me all week.

Alex studies me thoughtfully for a moment. "Well, I'm glad. I was really hoping to see you again. Jason said you have great taste in music. What's your favourite band?"

I almost sigh in relief. Music talk is something I can do.

"Fall Out Boy," I say, and for the next ten minutes the four of us talk enthusiastically about the different bands we like.

I find out that Lawrence hates most alternative and rock music (Alex swears he has no idea how they even became friends in the first place) preferring indie music and anything else that most people would call 'odd', Tim has a secret love of country music, and Alex loves almost all the same things I do. Alex also likes a lot of heavy metal bands that I haven't heard of and promises to send me some later.

When Jason and Luke come back, the food arrives.

"Here," Jason murmurs, passing something to me under the table. I take the small plastic bag in my hand and clench my hand into a fist. After having such an easy conversation with his friends, I'm not so sure I want to take acid anymore. Not yet, anyway.

Looking at the plate of food that's been put in front of me, I frown.

"Is this salmon?" I ask, pointing at the slab of fish in front of me. I glance at the plate in front of Jason and confirm that we do have the same thing so it can't be just a mix-up. "Why did you order this?"

"Because it's one of their best meals?" Jason replies with a laugh, beginning to dig in.

"But you're allergic to fish," I say in a rush, watching in surprise as he takes a mouthful of salmon.

"What? No I'm not."

All of his friends are staring at me and the calm feeling from a second ago has well and truly vanished again. Why is he saying this? It was one of the things we found we had in common the day we went to the cinema.

"But you said you were," I continue, my voice lowered now to try and avoid the attention I'm receiving.

"When?"

"When we... after we'd been at the park and we went for ice cream."

Jason looks at me with a puzzled expression and I'm instantly going over everything that happened that day in my mind. We'd talked about so much, but I'm certain that both of us being allergic to fish was one of the things we established. Didn't we?

"I can't have said that," Jason says with a shrug. "I'm not allergic to fish." As if to prove his point, he takes another mouthful of the salmon.

It feels as though the cafe is being pulled into the background around me. I feel so embarrassed and stupid. He's eating fish right now, so he can't be allergic, and if he's not allergic there's no way he would have said so when we met. How could I be so stupid?

"Hey, don't worry about it," Alex says, his voice sounding faint as he reaches over and grabs my plate. "I'll have the salmon. Do you like pasta?"

Alex puts his own plate in front of me and I manage a small nod, feeling grateful that at least I won't have to go hungry. But I had really thought I was starting to get along with everyone, and then I had to go ahead and make myself look like the biggest idiot in the world.

As Jason starts talking excitedly to the others about something, I wait a moment to ensure no one is watching me anymore before taking out a square from the plastic Jason gave me. Grabbing my glass of water from the table as a decoy, I slip the square into my mouth and wait.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT. I'M SO EXCITED. AREN'T YOU EXCITED TOO?


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HOPE YOU LIKE ROLLERCOASTERS

After we've finished eating, Alex leaves with two guys that are in his band (Dominic the guitarist, and Jin the keyboardist) to get ready before they have to perform. There's currently a woman on the stage in the corner, sitting on a stool with an acoustic guitar on her lap and singing some songs I have a feeling Lawrence is enjoying.

I'm leaning against Jason, just listening as he and the others keep talking, and there's a faint smile on my face that I can't seem to wipe off. I can't help it. I feel so warm and happy with him. Every now and then he turns to me and just pushes his head against mine – such a simple action which makes my heart sing.

"What do you wanna do when you graduate?" Luke asks, and I blink dumbly at him for a few moments before realising he's asking the question to me.

"No idea," I say honestly. "Maybe... travel? Take a year off?"

"What about college?"

"I dunno." I've never really thought I'd make it that far. Not that I've ever actually thought seriously about _ending_ my life... but for some reason the mental map of my life ends after high school.

"No one needs college," Jason says. "It's just a waste of time. _You_ know what the real money's in." He jerks his head meaningfully at Luke, who smirks back at him.

"I don't push drugs for the fun of it," he replies.

"You sell drugs?" I ask.

"Sure do. If you ever want in I could pull some strings for you, too. It pays really well."

Did I just get a job offer? I snort in amusement.

"He'll probably want in just so he can take the stuff himself," Jason says with a laugh, looking down at me. "You're high as a kite."

"I'm happy."

"Good."

"You make me happy."

"Get a room," Lawrence groans.

I laugh and Jason leans in to kiss me – just to spite Lawrence, I think. I don't mind.

"Oh hey, hey," Tim pipes up suddenly from where he'd been sitting quietly at the table. "They're coming on!"

I realise the woman's singing has stopped and pull back from Jason to look over at the stage. Sure enough, Alex and his band members are setting up their instruments in preparation for their own performance. Alex looks nervous, wiping the palms of his hands on his jeans quite a few times, but there's a grin on his face as he grabs the microphone.

Once the keyboard and electric guitar are properly plugged in with the right leads, Alex steps up to the front of the stage and looks around the room.

"Good evening," he says in a low voice that catches the attention of a few more customers sitting at their tables. "We're called Identity Five and we'll be entertaining you for the next hour. Enjoy." He winks for good measure and then glances back at Dominic, who instantly strums the first chord of the first song.

The music is really good and upbeat, bringing the atmosphere of the cafe up as people feel freer to talk louder and laugh obnoxiously at jokes that their friends are telling. A lot of the songs I don't recognise, but occasionally they slip in a song by Fall Out Boy and I fall a little bit in love with Alex.

He has an amazing voice. Rough, but amazing. I imagine him singing in my ear and groan out loud.

"Wanna go somewhere more private?" Jason whispers.

"No."

"Come on."

"No, I wanna stay."

"I need the bathroom," Jason continues, pressing his face into my neck. "Come with me."

"Oh." I grin and stand up with him. "You should have said."

He grabs my hand and leads me through the cafe. We have to walk by the stage on our way to the toilets and I find myself looking up at Alex. He's completely lost in the song they're playing, gripping the microphone and squeezing his eyes shut tight as he pours out his soul.

If Taj is sick and Alex is only filling in as the singer, what does he normally do in the band?

"You think Alex is hot?" Jason asks as he pulls me through the door into the bathroom.

"Yes." It's like I have no filter. I'm not even sure right now if admitting that is a bad thing or not. I'm just so happy and warm and content.

"Hotter than me?" Jason asks, pushing me up against the wall and grinning wickedly.

I actually pause to consider the question, comparing Jason's face right now to the way Alex had looked out on the stage. It's a really hard question. I don't know what to say.

"No one's hotter than me," Jason says when I still don't say anything in reply. Then he leans forward and kisses me.

* * *

When Jason and I get back to the table, I'm grinning like an idiot and Jason looks smug.

"Ew," Lawrence says after a brief glance at us both.

"Jealous?" Jason asks.

"Not of _either_ of you."

"Hey," Luke interrupts, leaning forward over the table as we sit down. "Do you wanna go driving after? Tim's in if Alex comes."

"Sure!" Jason exclaims. "Wanna come, Ryan?"

"Come where?" I ask. "Drive where?"

"Anywhere," Luke answers. "We don't have anywhere to be tomorrow."

"Sometimes we go on mini road-trips," Jason explains. "Just drive until we see something interesting. Sometimes stay at a hostel, sometimes sleep in the car. It's so much fun."

"I don't know if my parents would let me," I say sadly. "They're expecting me home tonight."

"How can they stop you? They're not here."

"We can go in two cars if you want," Luke says, talking to Jason as if I've already agreed to come along – or as if I don't exist. "But it'll be easier if we only go in one. Would we fit in yours?"

Jason's eyes flick over us and I can tell he's doing a mental count.

"We should. Three would have to go in the back."

"Unless Alex and Tim don't come," Luke points out. "Alex might wanna hang with the band after."

"Why only if Alex comes?" Jason asks, this time to Tim. "Aren't we good enough for you?"

Tim blushes and shakes his head. "No, that's not-"

"You know he's not interested, right?" Luke asks sharply. "You've known each other like, ten years or something. If he wanted to fuck you he would've done it already."

" _Piss off_ ," Tim snaps, standing up so suddenly that his chair scrapes loudly across the floor and almost tips over. "You're such an asshole."

Luke laughs, doing nothing to stop Tim as he storms off angrily.

"I guess it won't be so squished in the back after all," Jason comments.

"So, you're coming?" Luke asks me, catching me off guard as I was almost certain he'd forgotten I was there.

"Um, sure," I say before I have time to change my mind.

My parents are probably going to kill me. Unless...

Pulling my phone out, I send a quick message to Rebecca.

_If my parents ask can you say I'm staying at yours tonight? -Ryan_

There's no way they'd get mad if they thought I was with Rebecca.

"Are you sure you don't wanna come?" Jason asks Lawrence, who shakes his head more than is necessary.

"No way. I'm seeing Danica tomorrow."

Luke rolls his eyes. "She's so much work. I can't understand how you're still with her."

"When you find real love, you don't let it get away," Lawrence says seriously, then looks over at Jason and me. "Or fuck it in a public bathroom."

Jason laughs but I feel a wash of heat come over my face. I can only imagine what my parents – or even Rebecca – would say if they found out what I was up to.

As if on cue, I get a reply.

_I guess so... where are you actually going to be? With Jason? -Rebecca_

_His friends wanna go on a road trip, so yeah. -Ryan_

_Which friends? -Rebecca_

_You wouldn't know them. They're not from school. -Ryan_

_Where does_ he _know them from? -Rebecca_

"Hello, Ryan?"

"Sorry," I say, looking up from my phone. "What's up?"

"If you don't wanna come you don't have to."

"No, I do!" If it means more time with Jason, I'm all for it.

"You'll have to sit in the back, though," Luke says. "I always control the radio."

"So Alex will be driving?"

"No!" Jason says. "No way. I'll be driving."

Oh. So I'll be stuck in the back of the car with Alex while Jason and Luke sit in the front. I'm not so sure I do want to come after all.

"Second thoughts?" Jason asks.

"I don't know... maybe it would be better if I went home. My parents have been extra protective lately anyway and I don't want them asking a lot of questions."

"I'm not gonna lie, it'll suck if you don't come, but I can give you money for the bus if you want."

Wait, what?

"What bus?"

"The bus," Jason repeats as if speaking to a five year old. "To take you home."

"Can't you drop me off?"

"Not if we're going road tripping," Jason says with a shrug.

"But you'll be driving anyway."

"Not in your direction. That's a solid hour out of the way."

"Where the hell are you going?"

"That way," Jason says, pointing over my shoulder and not helping me at all.

"Just come with us," Luke says. "Or do you have a problem with Alex?"

"You don't think you'll cheat on me if I leave you in the back seat with him, do you?" Jason asks, a teasing grin on his face. "You _did_ say you think he's hot."

I feel as though my insides are made of tar as I shake my head.

"I would never do that to you."

"Good. So you're coming?"

Go with Jason, Luke and Alex on a road trip to nowhere, or take a bus home to lie in bed and fester? Damn, the acid was supposed to stop me feeling like this.

"Okay, I'll come."

Jason kisses my cheek but I can't remember why I followed him into the bathroom anymore. He's different when Luke is around. I'm only just noticing, or I'm getting paranoid, but I wish we could go somewhere just the two of us again. Somewhere that I can feel comfortable telling him I'm scared and sad and I just want to be held for a while.

I look down at my phone and unlock the screen, seeing Rebecca's latest messages.

_You don't have to tell me if you don't want to or if you don't know._

_Are you still there?_

_If you're going on a road trip are we still on for tomorrow night?_

I have no idea when I'll be home, so I should tell her that tomorrow night probably won't happen. I want it to happen, though. I miss her. I want to curl up beside her and tell her everything – but I've never told her everything.

Jason, Luke and Lawrence start clapping like mad and I look over to see Alex and his band giving an awkward bow before moving to pack their equipment away. Has it really been an hour already?

When Alex makes his way to our table again, Luke wastes no time in telling him the plan for a road trip. Alex doesn't seem to notice Tim's absence.

"Mad!" Alex says with a grin. "I'm so pumped I could go all night. Lawrence you _have_ to come!"

"No," Lawrence says firmly. "I'm seeing Danica tomorrow. We're meeting for breakfast."

"I would be annoyed if that wasn't actually really romantic," Alex says with a wink.

"I keep telling you all she's the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"If she's so great, why don't you bring her out with us?" Luke asks.

"Ah, because she's great and you're all idiots."

Everyone laughs except for me. I still feel like I'm full of tar. Hot, sticky tar that's making my body heavy and slow. I try to think back to when it was just me and Jason at his place, but the happiness I'd felt then seems so far away. He's so different to me. Confident and outspoken while I'm self-conscious and silent.

I thought the acid would last longer than this. It lasted longer the last time I had it. Am I building up a tolerance already?

I'm vaguely aware of everyone around me standing up to leave and Lawrence saying goodbye to the rest of us. But I can't move.

"You gotta piss before we go?" Jason asks, his lips right beside my ear.

The excuse is so welcome that I quickly nod my head in a yes. He tells me he'll meet me out at the car and then walks out with Luke.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for a long night in a car with my boyfriend and his jerk friend. Luke reminds me of Leo, to be honest, though Leo has a much better jaw line.

"Are you okay?"

I jump, opening my eyes to see Alex standing beside the table watching me. His makeup still looks perfect though his hair is damp with sweat from performing.

"I'm fine," I say stiffly.

He considers me for a moment before saying, "I like what you did with your hair tonight."

I'd almost forgotten. "Jason did it."

"Ah."

This is so awkward I'm tempted to stab myself with one of the leftover knives.

"Well, if you need the toilet you'd better go quick. I think Jason and Luke are pretty anxious to get going."

I let out a weary sigh and nod.

"I'll be out in a minute," I say.

Alex grins but hesitates, before finally reaching out to put a hand on my shoulder. "You'll be okay. I promise."

I have no idea what that's supposed to mean, but he leaves before I can ask for clarification.

As I make my way to the bathroom again, I decide that I like Alex. Not _like_ like him, because I wasn't kidding when I said I would never do that to Jason, but he seems really nice. Better than Luke, easily.

Once I'm back outside, Jason greets me by kissing me hard on the mouth.

"I love you," he murmurs, pulling away to get in the driver's side.

I can't believe he just said that. I can't believe I was _worrying_ about us.

I get in the car with a grin on my face and barely even feel embarrassed when Alex gets in beside me and raises his eyebrows.

"I'm guessing you all want Fall Out Boy first?" Luke asks, connecting his iPod to the car radio.

With three loud yeses, he presses play on Sugar, We're Goin' Down and I start to believe I belong with these people.

 


End file.
